The Oakland A's and Related Gripes

Last weekend I met up with some ol' high school pals and we hit up an Oakland A's game. The best part about the Oakland A's? They're never sold out, and tickets are cheaper than beer. Plus you don't have to put up with Barry Bonds strutting around the place. What a jerk.

While driving there, we repeatedly saw a line of planes towing banners overhead. At first we were convinced that they were political ads for Bill Richardson. A strange campaign strategy, I'll admit, but not as strange as some of the strategies I've seen.

We later realized what it was, and I was fairly disappointed.

Freshly back from studying abroad in Cuba, Matt King (known on the street as Big Ugly's Brother) came equipped with a box of Cubans (not the people) and a backpack full of beer. Nothin beats a stoagie and a parking lot beer before a game.

Now I haven't been to a major league game in years, and haven't seen a film in the Major League series in months, so I had forgotten many of the minor intricacies of the game. For example: nothing much happens for most of the three hours. I mean, if you're going to have a team named the "Athletics," can't they at least do something athletic? Take a look at this guy... he's just standing around!

I paid $8 for this goddamn ticket, now do something to entertain me!

Which brings me to my next point- Where these guys in the bathroom when they were handing out team names or something? How the hell did they get stuck with "The Athletics"? Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem supporting my hometown team, and I'm always happy to see them do well, but c'mon. Their mascot is a goddamn elephant... explain that one to me. And, to make matters worse, who's playing in their stadium the other half of the year? The Raiders! The toughest, angriest, violentest team in the country (and I'm referring to the fans more than the players). You see someone with a Raiders bumper sticker, you let them pass on the freeway. Now let's take a moment to picture in our minds a Raiders fan and an Athletics fan standing side by side. One is a 250 pound biker with silver and black face paint, spiked shoulder pads and a necklace made of baby skulls. The other is a 6' 3'' spindly white guy who works for Debbie in accounts payable. What they need to do is give the team a tougher name, perhaps "The Bonecrunchers" or "The Stabwounds". Will this solve the problem? I don't know, but clearly something has to be done.

Now, back to the game.


The typical American baseball game experience is as follows: You enjoy the sunshine with a cold beer. You watch the game, only to realize nothing's happening, so you drink some beer. You get caught up in conversations and occasionally glance at the field to remind yourself that a game is going on, then you get another beer. People stand up and cheer, which is when you look at the field and do the same, then you drink some beer. After 4 or 5 beers (and a cool $50), I had to excuse myself to use the restroom, assuming that I wouldn't miss all that much, since nothing had really happened in the last two hours. Upon my return (with a fresh beer, mind you) I find this:

In the short time that it took me to excuse myself, St. Louis managed to score 10 runs. I mean, is that even possible? Were they just screwing with me? Did I drink myself into some sort of alternate reality? Perhaps, but the score was clear. The A's were getting rocked, possibly because they lacked a menacing mascot.

Fortunately, Bill Richardson flew by one more time to lift the dismal spirits of the crowd.

Nothing quite like an Oakland A's game.

Oh, and one more thing got on my drunken nerves... Do you remember back in the day when stadiums, coliseums and other venues had real names? Well, those days are long gone. Every time I pass through the Bay Area, all the sporting arenas have new names. Not just new names, but new corporate names. Here's a hypothetical conversation to help illustrate my point:
Lamont: Where is the game going to be tonight?
Starla: At McAfee Coliseum.
Lamont: Woman, where the hell is that? Is it near the Oakland Coliseum?
Starla: Bitch, I've never heard of no Oakland Coliseum. It's at McAfee Coliseum.
Obviously, these name changes are causing more trouble than they're solving. Plus how do you pronounce McAfee? It's not MACafee, as you might imagine. It's MCafee, an awkward name that probably isn't even real. Not only are they causing confusion by changing the names, but they give us names that are complicated and embarrassing to try to use. Oh, and it used to be the Network Associates Coliseum. Worse, but not by much.

My personal favorite? The Concord Pavilion, conveniently located in Concord, has been renamed the Sleep Train Pavilion. Are you serious? If that was in a movie, no one would believe it becuase it is so flat out stupid. They could at least name it something like Sleep Train's Concord Pavilion, but no, this is the Sleep Train Pavilion, the pavilion that you go to in order to fall asleep on some sort of train. But don't worry, in a year or two it will change to the Jordan Cologne For Men By Michael Jordan Pavilion.

And the worst part? All the new stadiums that are being built aren't even getting original names so that the people that are "in the know" can call it what it's really known as. Candlestick Park is still referred to by its original name, despite being renamed Monster Park (which is kinda cool, but still). However, the Giant's new stadium was built and named Pac Bell Park. It has since been renamed, but people still refer to it by its original name, which is just as bad as its current sponsor name. At least they are still naming college sports venues after rich alumni rather than Sleep Train.

I didn't realize that going to a baseball game would be so frustrating.