Partyin' with the Bish

Generally, I try to go into shooting a story with some sort of background info on it. However, there are always times when you show up and realize that you have no idea what's going on.

On Sunday, I was handed a "special assignment", to shoot a service for some religious group as a part of our recurring "Our Culture" series, which presents short documentary-style pieces on local cultures. I was told what to shoot, what not to shoot, etc., but for some reason it didn't occur to me to ask what exactly it is.

As I drove the 90 minutes to get to the service, I figured that I'd be able to figure it out pretty quickly once I got there. After a 3 hour church service and an additional 3 hour banquet, I had no idea what I'd just covered.

It wasn't weird or anything, it was just in another language the entire time, and if you thought church was boring to begin with, try sitting through it when you have no clue what's being said.

Turns out it was an Assyrian church. Lovely service, excellent food, friendly people (or at least I assumed, as they kept speaking to me in their language, though they were smiling as they did).

As I was shooting the banquet portion of the story, a guy came over to me and said that the Bishop has personally requested that I join them for their meal. As I ate with the Bish's personal bodyguards, it was explained to me that he's a famed bishop visiting from Australia, which is a great honor for them all. I didn't ask too many more questions, as I didn't want them to realize that I didn't even know who they were, but apparently the guy that I've been shooting all day is somebody important. Throughout the service, all I could think of was that he looks exactly like Artie, the hard-headed chef that pushes his luck with Tony on The Sopranos:

Uncanny.

It was certainly an interesting way to spend a Sunday afternoon. After I returned, my sources (Wikipedia) filled me in on the religion and what I had just taken part in. As people clamored over the Bish, I figured that must be how old folks feel when they see people screaming about Lindsay Lohan, but they have no idea who she is.

My thanks to the Bish for a lovely meal and an enlightening experience.

News Happens

It's tough to plan your day around News, because News isn't always willing to work with your schedule. Today, for example, looked to be a simple one. The only thing I needed to get in the afternoon was a quick vo/sot on a toy donation drive. Heck, I could do that with my eyes closed. Given my light day, I figured I'd knock this story out and hit up a local eatery that provided sports entertainment, and take a leisurely lunch hour while watching my Oregon Ducks wail on UCLA. And we all know how I feel about UCLA...

Thumbs down, indeed.

So, right around the time of kickoff, I head off to complete my one task standing between me and joy. However, on the way to the toy drive, News came creeping into my perfectly crafted scheme of a schedule. I heard that dreaded Nextel chirp, followed by our assignment editor explaining that there was a "big rig truck fully engulfed in flames," and that "they say it'll explode at any minute!!" OK News, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's squeeze this out and get back on track.

The big rig wasn't hard to find. Below a cloud of black smoke and amidst clods of traffic sat the charred remains of a once mighty vessel.

A closer inspection revealed that the truck was carrying onions, broccoli and various other unstable vegetables that could blow at any moment.

Ok, great. News threw me a cool looking accident. Got it, now let's get back on track, I got a game to catch. Oh, but the fire hoses are blocking the road back onto the freeway. C'mon News, give me a break!

So after wandering around and taking various pictures to pass the time, the hoses were removed and I was back on track, right into all the morons that had to slow down to see the accident, causing a major traffic jam.

Following a tediously slow crawl along I-80, I reached the mall, only to be reminded that it's the biggest shopping weekend of the year. So much so, that they had people directing traffic through the parking lot. Sonofabitch.

After checking in with mall security, I was provided with my own personal escort, Harold.

This nimble young man led me to the toy store that was my destination, but that's not all! With Harold, you get the full mall tour along the way. "That's Cathy, her husband is sick so she's not here very often. Nice lady," or "This stand sells pillows with funny things written on them. Look at that one... you like the USC sports team?" No Harold, I don't.

I finally arrive at my CHP Toys for Tots table, crank out the story, and head back across the mall, battling hoards of commoners who are too cheap to shop at any other time of the season.

After knocking down some old ladies and kicking some babies, I scraped my way through the exit door and headed back to town. Only problem? The freeway is now completely backed up, as gawkers continue to gawk at the big rig from earlier. C'mon people, I'm running out of time!!

With three minutes to go in the game, I finally make it to the neighborhood watering hole, where I discover that my boys ain't doin' too good. Like, 16-0 not too good.

After a brief lunch and a deep conversation about the decline of Oregon's ranking with Dick and Jerry, my new pals...

...I headed back to the station. You beat me today, News, and you've made a powerful enemy.

However, the thing about News is that some days it'll give you something awesome, other's it'll beat you down. But News realizes this, and makes up for it in the long run. For you see, News balances the world with both good and evil. Today, it made me miss my game (and probably made the Ducks lose), but it realized this and, upon my return to work, I was offered a consolation prize.

Women's volleyball championship. You just can't argue with that.

Alright News, until next time...

Bad Form

People don't watch TV to be informed. If they did, we'd have a much better society. No, they watch to be entertained! At least that seems to be the philosophy of one local reporter, who took a bad joke one step too far. And then a few more steps. Before he knew it, he was in the middle of a homeless encampment, upsetting thousands of viewers as they watched it on live TV. Before we go to the video, here's a quick recap...

Around the Sacramento area, the homeless are fined for residing anywhere other than at local shelters. However, on a vacant lot near the rail yards, a homeless camp known as "Tent City" arose, and everyone just kinda turned their backs to it. That is, until the railroad company decided they didn't want these folk around, so the police came in and told everyone they had to vacate the area or risk being fined.

I spent my day wandering through Tent City, chatting with folks about their situations. Nobody had anywhere else to go, but they couldn't afford to pay fines, so they had to pick up and wander until they found a new place. Sad story, prime tear-jerker material for the evening news. Then, someone opened up a plot of land to them in a nearby city, allowing them to stay until the shelters opened up.

That brings us to our video. I'll let the rest speak for itself-

Good, quality journalisming.

As I watched this, I was reminded of a similar, though much less offensive, situation from my early days. It was one of those "He's not going to do it... Is he really going to do it?... Oh god, he's doing it" moments. At the county fair, there was a "Dock Dogs" competition, which was basically a long-jump contest for dogs. Fun stuff. Here's how the new guy decided to cover it-

During the live shot, I wondered if maybe I should just shut off the camera. I figured it'd probably do less damage than letting it continue. Alas, I didn't, and it just kept going. That's what I call news!

Now if I could just find someone to bring me McDonald's and a half-rack of bud. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Book of Jesus Chucko

It's been a fairly slow week at work, despite being in the midst of November sweeps. Also I seem to have contracted a sickness, probably from fellow newsies who already burned all their sick time. Between coughing fits, I've been going through some old pictures, and found a fun story that I felt you should know about.

Many of you have been previously introduced to Chucko, the drunken alter-ego of my former college roommate. His sick and twisted creativity never failed to astound me, especially in this case. Thus I present to you...

The Book of Jesus Chucko

It was my junior year of college at the University of Oregon. The time was early November, and a college chum had access to a cabin up near Mt. Hood, which we frequented at least once a year. In this particular episode, it was our pal's 21st birthday.

Kegs were drained...

Lawn chairs were used as fuel...

And a good time was had by all...

It wasn't until the last day, early in the cold morning, that things really got interesting. Chucko, having disappeared for some time, re-emerged dressed in a strange costume. What could he possibly be up to, we wondered. After following him down to the river, he explained his diabolical scheme.

It was simple, yet complex beyond comprehension. Could his fiendish plot actually work? Was he really going to try it? Is there still film left in my camera? We were ready to find out, as he declared, "I brought along a Jesus costume, to see if I can walk across the river".

Despite the frigid morning temperature, the patches of snow on the ground and the frightfully cold water, Chucko put his plan into action. He was ready to discover whether or not his holy costume would provide the divine powers that he had hoped for. In he went...

Indeed, the experiment had failed. The $25 left-over Halloween costume was unable to grant Chucko his desired powers. While none of us had expected it to work, deep down we were all just a little disappointed with the result. Still, makes for a good story.

Times, They Are a'Changin

Back in my day, it was a simpler time. Going to the movie theater cost $3.50, there was a President Bush in the White House that was winning a war in Iraq, and kids could color their hair how they wanted. Things are definitely not as rad today as they were in the 90's.

While several things have enjoyed a resurgence in the new millennium, including Transformers, Ninja Turtles, and (coming soon) American Gladiators, some may be lost to the ages. I am, of course, referring to the blight on society that is wacky hair colors.

Today, a local 13-year-old girl was suspended from her middle school for dying her hair pink (it looks red to me). She will continue to be suspended until her hair returns to a "natural" color.

What's the girl to do? Why, have her grandma call the news, of course!

This was one of those stories where, upon arrival, every other person passing by proclaims "Must be a slow news day!" Yes, thank you, heard that one already. Please move along, you're F'ing up my nats. As if my nats weren't hurting enough, I was constantly pummeled with "Hey, like put me on tv" or "Why are you videoing my school" or, my personal favorite, "I'm a stupid hyperactive douchebag who is going to keep waking back and forth in front of your camera because it's hilarious." Kids these days...

So why was this girl suspended for her hair color? Because the new principal feels that unnatural hair color is distracting to the learning process. "We don't want anything that's like pink, or blue, or green, that would be considered a distraction in the clasroom," the principal explained.

Instead, pulling the girl out of class and suspending her created a much bigger distraction than the hair itself, and even lured the attention of a local news crew with nothing better to do.

Now I don't know about you, but when I was in school, I was barely able to pay attention with the constant barrage of sensory overload. Look at that wacky T-shirt! Check out that girl's miniskirt! Did you notice how the second hand never actually lines up with the minute markers on the clock? Outta control!

If kids are unable to concentrate in class because a girl dyed her hair, it is my personal opinion that the problem doesn't lie with the girl's hair. But hey, maybe that's why I'm not a teacher.

So at the end of the day, the "slow day story" led the newscast, shocking audiences across the central valley with the lengths people will go to oppress today's modern youth. Creativity and self expression are things of the past. We gotta get those standardized test scores up, or else the "No Child Left Behind" act will leave all you poor bastards behind!

Glad I grew up in the early 90's, the golden age of creativity and wacky colors. Otherwise, I may have become a doctor or something stupid.

There's Oil in That Thar Bay!

Back in the early 60's, there was a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shootin' some food, and up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. Now, 45 years later, the same thing occurred down in the San Francisco Bay Area. The only difference is that Jed was a ship captain rather than a hillbilly, and instead of shooting a hole in the ground, he crashed his ship into the Bay Bridge. However, both had the same result... Oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea.

Instead of cashing in and move to Beverly Hills, this modern day Jed leaked 58,000 gallons of oil into the bay, killing an abundance of wildlife and toppling any plans for a late-fall beach party.

The Bay Area's worst spill in nearly two decades is slowly being cleaned up, with hoards of volunteers flocking to the coastline ready to help. The only problem? The last thing the clean-up crews need is a bunch of untrained hippies scaring away injured birds, and if you've ever been to Berkeley, you'd know that untrained hippies are available by the crate.

After being rescued by professionally trained hippies, the oil-infused birds were shipped up to Fairfield, where a bunch of hippies with doctorates were ready to scrub them down and save their precious little lives.

After several weeks of working without anything interesting happening in the area, I had a feeling that we were due for something big. This has done nicely, even though it happened on the one weekend of the year that had torrential downpours, resulting in all the idiot California drivers getting into accidents and making me shuffle through traffic for 3 hours to get to the Bay Area.

Guess my annual November Beach Luau Bonanza will have to wait until December. My Bikini Dance Team is going to be very disappointed... aren't they the real victims in all this?

Fun with Bloopers

One of the best parts about television news, especially in small markets, is the mighty blooper. When many people are juggling various responsibilities, it's only natural that every once in a while, something won't go quite as planned. The result is often painful, embarrassing and goddamn hilarious.

The on-screen personalities are usually the ones who take the biggest blow, even though it's usually not their fault. Just comes with the territory, I suppose.

So at my last shop, I used to keep myself and others entertained by keeping an archive of bloopers and various other hilarities. Guapo asked me to post this first example, and in going through my private stash, I thought I'd toss a few other favorites up for your amusement. Enjoy, but have pity on those who have suffered the wrath of the almighty blooper!

Exhibit 1: "Are You Kidding Me?"

Exhibit 2: "Have You Seen This Man?"

Exhibit 3: "Can't Get It Down!"

An Evening with Henry

Last night I enjoyed an evening with Henry Rollins in downtown Sacramento. Going into this, I wasn't really sure what to expect. While I was well aware of who Henry was, my knowledge of him was fairly limited and I didn't quite know what a "spoken word" performance was going to deliver. I knew he was in a punk band called Black Flag, although I didn't recall any of their work. I knew he had a solo career, which produced a music video that scared me. I knew that he'd pop up for a cameo in movies every now and again. So basically, I knew that he was a buff, angry dude that was probably going to yell at me for an hour or two. Hey, I'm game.

After delivering a 3 hour one-man show, I left the Crest Theater having been very impressed. Basically, he's a storyteller. Not really standup, although it's pretty damn funny... Not really a lecture, although his political commentary was surprisingly intelligent. He just got up there and talked for 3 hours, analyzing President Bush, homosexuality, world travels and David Lee Roth ("Hey baby, beemp boop bop wow!"). One-man shows are often difficult to pull off, even with standup comedians, but he managed to captivate my attention for the full 3+ hours, leaving me in shock when I checked my watch as I left and realized how long I'd been listening to him rant.

I think a lot of his political commentary may have been lost on much of the crowd, which primarily consisted of big fat guys wearing studded jackets. Any time he passively mentioned Dee Dee Ramone or some random punk rocker, some of these guys would stand up cheering, giving each other high-fives and shouting "Yeah, I know who he's talking about!" But I suppose this guy is a god to them, so I shouldn't be upset. My ears perked up the same way when he talked about his recent wandering visits to Iran and Syria, so I suppose everyone's got their own interests.

So at the end of the evening, it turned out to be a funny, captivating and surprisingly intelligent performance. He wasn't as angry as I had been led to believe, which was a relief, because I was worried he'd hurt my feelings. If you get a chance, check this guy out.

Official Opinion of Henry Rollins: One righteous dude.

Daylight Savings & The Petes

Back when I was a child, there was a television show on Nickelodeon called The Adventures of Pete and Pete. It started out as a 1 minute mini-show that'd play during commercial breaks, and told the tales of two brothers who both, for some reason, had the same name. Their sidekicks included a "girl that was a friend but not a girlfriend" and Artie, a grown man who wears tight clothing and follows the kids around, thinking that he's the strongest man in the world. In case you're having trouble following, here's one of the mini-episodes.

Now that you're brought up to speed, we can continue. Tonight is daylight savings (thanks to a brilliant plan, by our great leader, to push the date forward in order to save energy, despite denying that global warming even exists), and every year I am reminded of an episode of The Adventures of Pete and Pete.

The show was later expanded into a 30 minute laugh-riot, and one episode in the series focused on fall's daylight savings. For you see, every year on this night, you get to relive the same hour over again. This is the only chance you get all year to try again, to fix whatever you should have done right the first time.

So tonight at 2 AM, think about what you did over the past hour, then think about what you should have done, and do it. For example, rather than do something productive, I drank a couple of beers and wrote this stupid blog. What will I do when I get to relive that hour? Meh, probably the same thing, but at least I'll have known that I had an opportunity to do something great.

Sacramento's Dumbo Drop

Anybody remember that 1995 Disney classic, Operation Dumbo Drop, where a handful of Green Berets in Vietnam had to transport an elephant for some reason?

Look at those smiles! I bet you never thought you'd see Ray Liotta shine like that. This hysterical romp through the fun-filled lands of 1970's Vietnam earned critical praise, with Joel Siegal declaring that it's got "A lot of laughs!" I mean, c'mon... even Dennis Leary is almost smiling, and that guy never smiles!

I bring this up because earlier in the week, Sacramento had a similar encounter of the hilarious kind. Granted, Sacramento isn't as whimsical as Vietnam, but it was similar in that the military was transporting an elephant. Get ready to hold on to your sides!

I was asked to stay late on Thursday night to shoot the Air Force delivering an elephant from an Alaskan zoo to a habitat near San Andreas. A few hours of overtime AND I get to see an elephant? Sign me up!

I arrived at Travis Air Force Base around 10 PM, and spent the next several hours sitting around, waiting for the plane to arrive with a bunch of exhausted and overworked photogs. Can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my evening with.

Around 12: 45 AM, the plane finally arrived with its precious cargo.

After about an hour, they were ready to unload the elephant, which was in a gigantic Jurrassic Park-style container.

After about another hour, they transported the container to a crane, which was used to load it onto a flatbed truck. This loading process took another hour or so.

So now this elephant is on the truck, and since it took so long to get it on there, they aren't sure if they want to let it out to stretch its legs or just hit the road and get it to the habitat. They said that if I waited around for an hour or so, there's a slight chance that maybe I'd be able to possibly see the elephant briefly.

At this point, it's 4 in the morning, I'm an hour from the station, and the morning show begins at 6 (mind you, I my shift started at 2 PM). I finally have to leave, otherwise it might not even be in the show, and I could end up waiting around all night to see the damn thing.

By 5 AM, I'm finally out the door and on my way home. I would have stuck around to watch it on air, but hey, I gotta work tomorrow.

So after 6 hours of overtime and 5 hours of sleep, I take a look at the morning show's aircheck when I get back into work. Of my hour's worth of kickass footage, three shots made it onto the air. Awesome.

So there's my version of Operation Dumbo Drop. It was much less exciting than Disney's version, as it lacked the sight of an actual elephant, Green Berets and a chipper Danny Glover. However, The Discovery Channel was there filming the whole thing, so maybe I'll see myself walking through all the guy's shots. Honestly, that would make it all worth it.

Still, wish I could have seen an elephant. I even brought it peanuts.

Richter VS. Pumpkin Richter

As many of you already know, a mysterious pumpkin doppelganger of a local manager at a TV station appeared a few weeks back, bringing with it a festive Halloween cheer. In case you missed this, get up to speed here.

However, during the past few weeks, tensions began to rise between this manager and his orange-faced twin. You see, people seemed to like Pumpkin Richter better than Normal Richter, and this began to wear on Normal Richter's feelings. Pumpkin Richter got invited to all the company parties, while Normal Richter was left alone in his puny office. Finally, Normal Richter snapped, and challenged Pumpkin Richter to an all-out, no-holds-barred brawl behind the station.

Photocalypse, in association with Thrillhouse Productions, is pleased to bring you that brawl, free of charge...

Nothing solves problems like a good ol' fashioned street fight.