Gleeful Assignment

You can probably imagine how I felt when I was told to drive 90 miles away to interview these guys...

...then drive 90 miles back and write/track/edit the piece. Yes, much like other professional lenslingers around the country, I've hopped onto the one-man-bandwagon in the name of progress. Or evolution. Or whatever. Bottom line, I gotta interview fat naked guys. Giddy-up.

Upon my arrival in Modesto, I was pleased to discover that there was only one dancer, and he was fully clothed. While it would have been hilarious to shoot the interview with him in his skimmies... it was just the two of us in his home, and there are some things that I'm just not willing to do for this job. Apologies.

That being said, the entire piece was logged, written and edited in under 2 hours, so it is a little rushed, but here is the final result:

Nobody ever said anything about this kinda stuff in Journalism School. But then again, very little of what I learned has translated into reality.

Some days you get cheerleader try-outs, others you get fat guys in their underwear. That's journalism, baby!

The Great BCS Championship Adventure

It's been a heck of a year for college football, and a heck of a year for my beloved Oregon Ducks.

So what say we start off 2011 with a good ol' fashion adventure, Ducks style!! Much like last year's Oregon Rose Bowl adventure, me and Pops were lucky enough (and I think there was a huge amount of luck involved in this) to score a pair of tickets to The Natty!! (And we only had to pay the modest $300 ticket price, rather than the $18,000 StubHub price.)

And boy, was it an adventure. Flying into Phoenix the day of the game, we discovered that our hotel had somehow "misplaced" our reservation. As we drove to the game in our rented Civic, I had to scramble to find somewhere to sleep for the night. Eventually a Holiday Inn Express was found that had a 2 bedroom smoking room for a reasonable $260. Ouch... but it beats sleeping in the car.

So we get to the stadium... and it turns out you were supposed to buy your parking passes in advance? Would have been nice to know, seeing as how there was no alternate plan. So we parked the rental car in a lot we didn't have a pass for, declared "Screw it!", and headed off to the official UO tailgater. But not before snapping a quick picture of a well-known stow away...

So the tailgater proved to be a little less than its $90 price tag had suggested. It provided a modest all-you-can-eat lunch and a bar with 10 drink tickets (a reasonable amount), which I did my best to dispose of...

...but the gosh darn marching band, cheerleaders and mascot Duck decided to make their way into the party and start their little to-do right in front of the booze line! Come on, people... we're running out of time and I only have 10 tickets to use!!

Ah well, might as well get into the Oregon spirit. Besides, there'll be plenty of $9 beers to buy inside! So after downing a few quick ones, we made our way in, got past a few formalities...

...and it was on! The clash of the titans!! Heisman winner vs. Coach of the Year!!! War Eagle vs. Duck mascot that was suspended for fighting!!!! Aw man, let's do this!!

So it turned out to be one hell of a grudge match. Both teams had defenses far beyond what had been anticipated, and it proved to be a surprisingly low scoring game. But that doesn't mean it wasn't crazy. When the Ducks came back and scored a touchdown with a 2-point conversion to tie it up in the 4th quarter... I've never had problems with high blood pressure in the past, but I thought my heart was going to explode.

In the end, it was a rough loss, but if you have to lose it might as well be in the final moments to a field goal. After the game, Auburn offered a lot of "This was God's work" and "That play was an act of God", which seemed both unnecessary and offensive. When I got back to the hotel, I overheard Cam Newton on TV saying, "I guess we just got the last laugh." All the fans at the stadium were friendly and positive after the game to Ducks fans, which is commendable. But Cam Newton, Auburn's coach and the rest of those sons-of-bitches ain't gettin' no love from me. We'll see who gets the last laugh next year.

That being said, it was still a most excellent adventure (even if it did end in the same manner as last year's Rose Bowl). We've still got an amazing team, and I still love my Ducks.

To conclude the story... upon our arrival home, Dad said, "Well, we probably should have just spent all that money on a 3D TV. It would have been about the same, except we would have had a better view." True, but some adventures are worth having the old fashion way.

The World Series Trophy!

Hey. Yeah, you. You remember that time the San Francisco Giants won the World Series? How sweet was that, eh?

Yeah, I wouldn't know. I kinda got shafted on covering the event. But hey, I've moved on. And today I was handed something of a consolation prize... their coveted championship trophy was making the rounds in Cali, and I got an E-Z Pass to the front of the line. It's not quite like getting doused in the locker room with champagne... but I'll take what I can get.

First stop on Trophy Tour '11 was the State Capitol, formally known as the House of Arnold. Now, I don't know how many people were expected to show for this event (especially at 10 AM on a Thursday), but the end result must have been a few thousand more than anticipated. Seriously, the trophy was in a room on the third floor, and the line wound through the hall, down two flights of stairs, and then circled around the main floor. It was insane, and this was just to see the trophy!

Well it was only able to make a brief 2 hour pit stop before heading over to city hall, where former NBA All-Star mayor Kevin Johnson called a time out from a city hall meeting to "touch this darn trophy."

But the good mayor wasn't about to be the only one that got to touch that darn trophy! I rounded up my sidekicks Don Peso and Alfonzo Beta for a lil' trophy touchin'. And it was good.

(Note: Giants owner Bill Neukom in the background, oblivious to the numbskullery)

So fine work, Giants! Sorry I couldn't be there in person to see your victory, but the least I could do is put a mustached beta tape next to your priceless trophy. Thanks for the opportunity!

Hasta La Arnold, Baby

Oh man, I'm gonna miss that guy.

Not because he was a great governor. In fact, he wasn't... and California is kind of in the... how you say... fecal depository.

But damnit, it was fun to see Arnold Friggin' Schwarzenegger in my work day. It breathed a little life into what's widely recognized as a boring-as-hell assignment: politics. I grew up watching his movies, and he was my favorite actor during my teenage years (clearly I valued blowing s*#t up over actual acting abilities).

But don't get me wrong... I'm not sad to see former/new governor Jerry "Get off My Lawn!" Brown coming into office. It's just not gonna be as much fun spending my days in the trenches of The Cap.

Gosh, it all started back when...

I was a fresh young buck, new to the Sactown market. Wide-eyed, part-time and covering a morning shift for the first time in my life, 2007 was shaping up to be a rough transition year. Then I was sent out to a CHP Memorial Ceremony, and who should I see... but my childhood hero!

"Holy crap!" It was tough to focus on the somber event when the friggin' Kindergarten Cop was standing right there! I don't think I had ever been more excited to be a cog in the machine of journalism.

A few months later, me and The Schwarz met again. This time it was at a firefighter memorial ceremony Gosh Arnold, we really gotta stop meeting like this.

Still... The friggin' Terminator is sitting right there! I'm only a few feet away from the guy! I was ecstatic. This is the greatest job ever!

But he must have felt something too, because this wasn't the last of Arnold I was gonna see in 2007. Towards the end of the year, I was lucky enough to cover the California Hall of Fame induction ceremony (which also introduced me to the infamous Tiger Woods). I got to see him with the entire family, and in a non-mourning atmosphere for once (which means he will be repeating: "How are you!" "Good to see you!" "Thank you for coming!" as he passes through the crowd). Hey, I'll take it!

Following this year-long courtship, Arnold and I hit slow times. In fact, it was over a year before he finally broke the ice and invited me to a Christmas(/Chanukah) event at the capitol.

Oh man, that was a fun time! (Be sure to watch the video on that link.)

Then, about April of '09, things changed. I was sent to the Cap for a presser with the Gov. Something about a fuel cell car or something. I get to the East steps, I see the car, but there isn't any other media. Eventually a still camera or two arrives, but I'm the only TV station there. Arnold comes strolling out, makes a speech about the car, and asks for any questions... stairing me in the eyes, as I'm the only one pointing a mic at him.

As I stare into the eyes of the Conan the Barbarian, all I can think about is how he has a lot of gray eyebrow hairs mixed in with his brown ones. Guess he doesn't dye his eyebrows. Eventually I spit out some sort of stupid question about the car company making a fuel cell Hummer for him... which he laughs about and says "I hope so" or something along those lines. He then gets in the car, drives it around, and goes back into the capitol.

I've always referred to this day as my "exclusive one-on-one with the governor".

A good year later, he and I met face to face again. This time, I (accidentally) shook his hand as I was trying to retrieve live truck keys from a photographer at an event. The photographer passed by without hearing me shouting his name, and I suddenly found myself toe-to-toe with True Lies himself. He put out his hand and said, "Hello! Thank you for having me!" I wasn't about to be rude, so I took the hand and said "Thank you so much for joining us!", having no idea what the event was actually about. It was my second (and final) one-on-one with the governor.

I will say the man has an excellent handshake. Firm, yet not over-bearing.

Throughout 2010, Arnold and I had several encounters, although all were from a distance.

It was tough seeing him so far away after we'd gotten so close, but I later discovered that a good majority of our newsroom employees never even saw him once in his 7 years as governor of California. Guess he must have liked me.

So that wraps up my adventures with Arnold Schwarzenegger (and how many people can make that statement?). However I can't help but feel that I've failed as a journalist. My goal for years was to introduce the good governor to local celebrity Alfonzo Beta, and that never happened. I have failed you, Photocalypse Nation, and I apologize.

Thanks for a good run, Arnold. Now get back to making Total Recall 2!