Ready for Some Football!

That special time has come again. A time when fellow Americans hate one another based solely on their team affiliation. And rightfully so.

So until this season wraps up, let me just say that I hate you. Don't take it personally.

Selling Out

The celebrity lifestyle is an interesting one in this country. You can use your fame to focus the world's attention on important issues, or you can use it to make some money. If you're considering Option B, you must weigh the risk of being labeled a "sell out" with the benefit of making ridiculous amounts of money. Arnold did it, Dole did it, and now I'm climbing on board as well.

In exchange for a few hours of overtime, I was willing to sacrifice my dignity by staring in a commercial that would be plastered throughout a top-20 market. Was it worth it? Probably not, although I have already been recognized in a bar or two around town. Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

So without further explanation or apology, here's what I got myself into:

I'm sure you have a lot of questions, and I'd be happy to answer them one at a time, but let me start by saying that any requests for an autographed headshot requires a self-addressed stamped envelope. Clearly, I'm a seasoned veteran when it comes to playing the average "Joe". Aside from a few apperances here and there (and a critically acclaimed cameo in Guapo's cult classic REMbug), I've been featured in many commercials that you may have seen (although you probably didn't). Spawning primarily from my brief stint as a production intern at a local company during my college years, I have been widely recognized for my apperances in random commercials.

The first of many appeared in Roseville, Oregon, where I was cast as "Some Dude Buying Sink Parts". Many actors claim that their early work was their finest, and in my case, I have to agree...

Indeed, I set the bar high from the get-go. However, the firey soul of an actor burned within me, and I answered shortly after with the ever-popular role of "Guy Proposing At A Local Mexican Restaurant". See if you can spot me in this cinematic classic...

For years following that appearance, I would have friends calling me to say "Was that you in a Chapalas Comercial?" Indeed it was, although the fiance was only a stand-in (her loss). Climb on board while you can, and soon you'll be able to say "I read that douchebag's blog long before he was famous!"

As long as my career avoids the pitfalls of Viagra or hemorrhoid cream commercials, I figure I should do OK for myself.

Sword Swingin'

Working in television news, there are days where you feel like your story has made a difference in the lives of your viewers. It feels good to produce a heart-touching story about everyday people and their pursuit for happiness and success. Then, there are days where a crazy man brings a 6-foot long homemade sword to a Chevron in Stockton. This was one of those days.

Here's the thing: if you're gonna make a sword at home, that's fine. If you're going to carry it to the local gas station, no big deal. But when you're there, please don't swing it at cops. They really don't like it when you do.

Apparently, nobody warned 22-year-old Thomas Neil, who found himself in a bit of a pickle as he flailed his massive sword around the store and threatened the local 5-0.

It took three rubber bullets, three tazer shots and a police dog to finally subdue the wily swordsman, who had previously visited the store wielding a railroad spike and caused a similar disturbance.

So next time you're heading to market, consider leaving your homemade weapons at your house (or compound). I guess that's just an example of the oppression faced by modern day slayers in this country. Big Government trying to take away your Second Amendment rights.

If you're curious, check out some of the raw security video here.

Ron, Out!

After 2 1/2 years, ol' Ron-Ron is on his way out the door. Artest, the controversial star of the Sacramento Kings, has been traded to Houston. Of course, you all remember Artest for his infamous brawl with the fans a few years back. For some reason, the video doesn't seem to exist anywhere on YouTube, so instead, here he is stealing an orange from some kids:

While his antics in Sacramento never quite lived up to the brawl with the fans, he did show up in the local media several times, including for alleged domestic abuse and animal neglect. Fans either love him or hate him, but his off-the-court antics have soured the Kings name in many eyes, so perhaps it's best that he move on to greener pastures.

What's Sacramento getting in exchange? Why, their old pal Bobby Jackson, along with a few others. The popular, if aging, player was reported to be back in Sac already, and we were hoping to grab a quick sound bite from him to include in our "Fan Reax" package. Our sports guys pulled up his number from the Rolodex, and the reporter I was working with gave him a ring.

Jackson: I'm about to go out to dinner with my wife, I don't think I'll have time.
Reporter: It'll only take a few minutes, maybe we could catch you outside the restaurant when you finish?
Jackson: Let me check with my wife... Yeah, that'd be OK.
Reporter: Great, what's the name of the restaurant?
Jackson: It's called... Pizza.
Reporter: Pizza? That's the name of the restaurant?
Jackson: Yeah... Pizza on Douglas. That's what it's called.
Reporter: It's on Douglas? What's the cross street?
Jackson: There ain't no cross street.

After a brief investigation, it was discovered that there was neither a "Pizza on Douglas" restaurant, nor a pizza restaurant on Douglas. Indeed, we'd been had by Bobby Jackson. Our story had to rely solely on drunk Kings fans. You win this round, Jackson.

The next day, our sports guy took over the reins and was able to set up a quick interview at a church he'd be getting out of late in the evening. This time, he was actually there.

Turns out he's a cool guy. Hopes to coach after a few more years of playing and teaching the young Kings players a thing or two about being a baller.

Despite the obvious temptation, I did not ask him how his pizza was the night before.

So You Think You Can Gay?

McDonald's has long been an international hub for family values and universal acceptance. At McDonald's, you don't just get a meal, you get a "happy" meal, and damnit, I can't think of a better way to spend five dollars. Yes, within the magical walls of this shrine of happiness, everybody is welcome. There is no discrimination here, as is exemplified in Ronald McDonald's posse.

You had Hamburglar, the ex-con, Grimace, the "slow" guy, and their elected official Mayor McCheese, the "handy-capable" man who was born with a cheeseburger for a head. Clearly, all are invited to join in on the festive joy and whimsy that is McDonald's.

Along with all these fine, upstanding members of the community, McDonald's has displayed their support for the gay and lesbian community by donating money to their chamber of commerce. Now, everyone knows that "all men are created equal". Heck, it's been proclaimed by the almighty Founding Fathers. But there was a book written some years ago that might beg to differ. I speak of a popular book, written well before my time, that laid out guidelines for life and society. A book that might see something wrong with McDonald's recent associations. A book that explained that all are equal, but some may be more equal than others.

Well, I assumed that was the "good book" that the protesters were referring to (as it was a good book), but apparently a lil' fella named Jesus has a book of his own, and he wasn't too keen on the pals McDonald's was keeping these days. Thus, he sent forward the righteous to lead a national boycott against the "all are welcome" attitude of McDonald's. Protesters lined the streets around the country to display their "support of family values".

No, your eyes do not deceive you. The Righteous come in all shapes and sizes, and in this case, the shapes and sizes of a 10 and a 12 year old, who are disgusted in the ways that McDonald's supports the gay agenda. Their older siblings (all under 18) were on the picket lines as well, but their parents were unfortunately tied up at work and unable to join in the protest. After gathering a handful of sound bites that mostly consisted of "Gays are bad, so McDonald's shouldn't support them", we turned to the customers to see the effect that the protest was having. Every single person we spoke to expressed their disgust... not in the fact that McDonald's was supporting a gay organization, but that there were pre-pubescent children standing alone in a parking lot, wearing t-shirts that spoke of sodomy and gay marriage.

Hey, somebody's got to stand up for "family values". "If McDonald's is marketing to families and children," the leader of the protest explained, "I'm wondering why they think it's ok to promote homosexual marriage." He didn't touch on why it's ok to give a "Sodomy is Sin" t-shirt to a 10-year-old. He was too busy standing up for family values.

Now, Ronald and I go way back. I'm sure I can speak for him when I say that all are welcome at McDonald's, and after these kids are done fighting the good fight, they are more than welcome to come in for a McFlurry and a ride on the Fry-Guy merry-go-round.

It should also be noted that a long list of other companies have donated to the Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, including Burger King, Hilton, Kodak, AT&T, Coors... Boy, these kids have got a lot of work to do.

The Great Sushi Caper

"They can steal my fish, they can steal my sushi, but they can't steal my soul."

The words of a man standing at the edge of his breaking point, as he surveys the damage done by a duo of wily criminals on a rampage of greed and destruction. Owner of a popular Natomas sushi restaurant/sports bar, Ken Le recalls the numerous times his establishment has been the target of deviants and nogoodniks.

"You have the same song and dance year after year after year."

Natomas, an area of North Sacramento, consists mainly of apartment complexes and strip malls ("sprall"). With only four police officers per 10,000 residents in the area, Natomas is no stranger to crime. I can't even count how many times I've been out there to cover a story on a home invasion (my counting abilities get a little hazy once I reach around four or five).

Le has gotten used to the 4 AM phone call from his security company, where he is forced to get up, turn on his laptop, and watch through his security cameras as his restaurant is once again ransacked by local riffraff.

Fortunately, a new police substation is being placed in one of the many strip malls in the region, as Sacramento police desperately try to bring order to a community in dire need of a hero. This is what brought us to Le's establishment, as we had done stories on several of his unfortunate experiences with criminatliy in the past.

Well, what a coincidence... Le's restaurant was burglarized only a few days before, as two criminal masterminds pried their way into the restaurant's back door in search of loot and booty (the money kind). He was happy to bust out the security video and re-enact the evening's happenings.

What was taken? Nothing. Yes, apparently the "thievery" part of being a thief was left out of these thieves thieving lessons, because they failed to thieve a single thing. Here's how it went down:

2:30 in the AM. Using the cover of night, these prowlers crept to the back door of the restaurant. Wielding a crowbar (the preferred tool amongst the criminal community), they pried their way into Le's beloved restaurant.

Once in, they briskly darted towards the manager's office, clearly after something in particular.

Once there, they stood for a moment, looked around, and darted back for the door.

All together, the heist lasted about twenty seconds. Laptops, iPods and gallons of top-shelf liquor were left behind. The only real trouble they caused was breaking the door, which will cost the owner about $2,000.

After whipping out my old-school magnifying glass, I did some sleuthing of my own and came to this conclusion: They busted in... ran straight to the safe.... one said "Alright, crack the safe!"... the other said "What? I thought you knew how to crack a safe!"... together they threw up their hands and yelled "Uh oh. Let's get outta here! Waah!"... and out they went.

I presented my evidence to the police substation. They said they'd "look into it".

Criminals these days just don't seem to be as smart as they used to be. But I suppose if you were smart, you probably wouldn't do something stupid like rob somebody. Therefore, we are presented with the results of America's poor schooling systems: a $2,000 broken door.

California's (still) Burning

Beneath a thick blanket of smoke, there are still a few strongholds remaining in California that have yet to be ravaged by wildfires. Those who have survived gathered together in these "green zones" and roam the scorched land in search of food and gasoline below $4.00 a gallon. They tell their children tales of the way California used to be before the great fires of 2008, a time nearly forgotten to the ages.

Yes, California continues to be ravaged by wildfires with no sign of slowing down. Locals have come to accept the ever-present haze in the sky and musky smell in the air. The children and elderly have been unable to go outdoors for weeks now, and are presumed dead. On top of it all, we get to wake up to newspaper headlines like this:


That's not going to be good for firefighters. Or news crews.

Yes, it's getting ugly out there, as we are all collectively reminded why it's a poor idea to live in the central valley. One of California's major wildfires is only a hop, skip and 2-hour drive away from our station, providing our crews with a business-class ticket to the front lines. In case you've never been... I suggest you never go. It's like sitting in a sauna while smoking a cigar. You either feel like an idiot or some sort of mob boss, but either way it can't be good for the body.

Thousands evacuated the area in and around the town of Paradise, which today looked like anything but (I stole that line from Fox News). Around the area, some 36 wildfires, many of which were caused by lightning a week or two ago, have merged together to create one raging inferno, kinda like how Voltron was formed from all those smaller robots, except in wildfire form.

This, along with undying winds and heat, has made for one difficult fire to fight.

It also made for one difficult fire to shoot. With the command center set up 40 minutes away from the front lines, on top of a 2 hour drive time, our storytelling abilities were limited at best. It was a long, hot, smoke-saturated day that didn't have enough time for us to get all the angles, but a rushed package was produced, flames were in the video and smoke was in the live shot. We weren't going to win any awards on this one, but at least it made the slot.

So, beaten, battered, several hours late and wreaking of smoke, I finally made my way home to the wife and kids. The sad thing is that this is way too early in the summer for fire season to be raging like this. We've still got a long way to go, and it's not gonna be pretty.