Energy On-Demand

Today's American society is heavily dependent on chemicals, and that's the way we like it. Is it healthy? Hardly! But it's convenient, and we're all so busy and important that we don't have time to do things the proper way. We wake up by consuming a beverage, we go to sleep by taking a pill. We drink wine to relax, drink beer to party, and drink Jager to dance. Oh, and let's not forget the little blue pill!

I myself am an admitted caffeine junkie, and it sucks. I just don't feel right until I get my morning latte, a cold energy drink, or (if all else fails) a quick packet of Gu (don't think less of me for this).

Coffee? That stuff's for Grandpa! We live in the X-Treme age. An age where Mountain Dew has replaced Orange Juice, snowboarding has replaced skiing, and kicking a guy in the nuts is a sign of comradery. If you can't handle it, then go back to the retirement castle!

During my travels through the depths of a caffeine-infused purgatory that I call daily life, I've come across many curious artifacts. The world of energy drinks is vast and often times ridiculous. They come in all shapes and colors, trying to pinpoint every niche in the caffeine-consumption market. Here are a few of my favorites, worthy of mockery and/or appreciation.

X-Treme Beverage #1: Ace Energy

A half-naked woman riding an A-bomb in front of playing cards? That basically sums up every one of my interests. It's nice to finally find a beverage that understands me. It tastes awful, but damnit, I look like a real man when I drink it.

Target Consumer: The everyday Man's Man

X-Treme Beverage #2: Full Throttle- Bad Mother

Hey, bad mothers need energy too. It ain't easy neglecting their kids, smoking dope, or refusing to purchase a Nintendo Wii. Well, their sluggish days are over, now that Full Throttle, the biker-based energy drink (made by the badass manufacturers at the Coca-Cola Company) has made a drink dedicated to their strife. Actually, upon closer inspection, you'll find that the line "nature is one..." is squeezed in there somewhere, indicating (barely) that it is an all-natural energy drink. A clever way to service two separate demographics with the same drink.

Target consumer: Bad mothers and hippies

X-Treme Beverage #3: Freek Maniac Energy

This one doesn't even try to be subtle. If you drink this, you will be a "freek" and/or a maniac. That's right, this is for the true hard-core energy fiend, not for the faint of heart (despite its delightful Torrid Tropical flavor). It's so extreme, that it even comes with a list of suggested post-consumption activities on the back:

That's right... Stay up all night! Sleep with your ex! Run cross-country! Woo! Definitely do not drink this unless you are ready to get your Freek(tm) on! As for me? Hey, I gotta work in the morning.

Target Consumer: Fiends, miscreants, dopers, punks, and general no-good-nicks.

X-Treme Beverage #4: Howling Monkey Energy Cola

This one is a personal favorite. Not because of its taste... it's actually quite terrible. I just can't say no to a hilarious label. Look at that monkey... how could I resist?? Its wacky vaudevillian-style decor doesn't hurt the message, either. It even comes with a three-step instructional diagram, just to make sure that you consume properly:

Look at that monkey howl! I mean, he's even wearing a tuxedo! What a wild scenario! I don't even want to imagine how that chain of events came to be! I'm sold.

Target Consumer: Monkeys looking for a kick-start to their work week, or those trying to quit.

Now look over your options and decide which market niche you belong to. And don't give me some crap about eating healthy and exercising... That's not the American way!!