Bay to Breakers

This past Sunday, San Francisco hosted the 98th Annual Bay to Breakers, a 12k race from one side of the city to the other. Runners from around the world gathered in the City by the Bay to partake in this exposition of competition and athleticism.

However, it wasn't only the world's top athletes that made up the 60,000 participants. In fact, they made up only a small and fairly un-noteworthy portion of those racing. Curious to learn more, I (the investigative journalist that I am) decided to head into San Francisco Sunday morning to learn more about this cultural event. My findings: It's just about the greatest thing ever.

You see, in addition to the athletes, thousands and thousands of costumed drunks descend upon the city, parading through in a constant barrage of idiotic numbskullery.

Groups dressed in ridiculous costumes came equipped with themed floats that were really only used as transports for kegs. They ranged from the simple...

...to the unnecessarily elaborate...


Our crew had a Caddyshack-esque golfing green, complete with a gopher on the keg.

To be honest, I have no idea how anyone got away with any of this. The displays of public drunkenness, public nudity and public urination seemed to be widely celebrated throughout the city, without any sort of repercussions. I mean, when was the last time you did a keg stand in the middle of the street in a major metropolitan area?

As the race wore on, the city began to wake up and join in on the festivities. Thousands gathered along the streets and from balconies to watch and cheer on the parading drunkards. Residents were barbecuing in their driveways, house parties were blasting music from their windows, and everyone was enjoying themselves on a beautiful California day.

By the time we made it to Golden Gate Park, makeshift parties started along the sides of the road, as themed groups began to inter-mingle, cross-mingle, and de-mingle, until it was one big celebration. A Care Bear was walking alongside a Scrabble piece and a dancing banana as they shared from a keg connected to The Love Boat. It was truly a display of brotherhood and companionship that is rarely seen in this modern day.

In the end, a Kenyan man won the race with a time of 32 minutes 24 seconds, repeating his victory of the previous year. Our finishing time was a little less impressive, coming closer to 6 or 7 hours. Plus, by the time we got there, they had already shut down the finish line. Unfortunately, the "breakers" were never seen.

We didn't win, but I got a good feeling about next year. Amazingly, there were no major injuries or felony arrests at the end of the race. How many other races can you say that about?

The Bay to Breakers race was easily one of the coolest events I've taken part in. I'll be there next year, and I hope you'll be there too, dancing in a giraffe costume and drinking from a Yellow Submarine shaped keg.


Only in America.