That's what Vince Schlomi told me late one night. I was tired, confused and perhaps drank one "Diet 7-Up" too many, but I heard him loud and clear. He then went on to tell me that I was going to "slap my troubles away".
Had I known then what I know now, I would have laughed so hard that I would have wet my pants. Twice over.
For you see, Schlomi had foretold his own downfall in a way that could easily fit a high school English teacher's example of foreshadowing. Perhaps you mindlessly stumbled upon his mugshot at some point over the last 24 hours...
... although it's more likely that you stumbled upon one of his infomercials, much as I did that late night. And if you're anything like me, you'll be saying "Wow!" every time you hear this story.As I burned the midnight oil and the evening wound to an end, the episode of Family Matters that I had found myself entrenched in took a brief break, at which point Vince approached me and offered me something he called the "Slap Chop". Normally I don't go for stuff like that, but he seemed like a cool guy, so I heard him out.
He told me I could be slapping my troubles away. "The more you do it, the finer it gets!" How can I argue with that?
As he spent two minutes pushing this "lifestyle choice" upon me, I realized that we had met before. It was a similar time, late in the evening and after a "Diet Dr. Pepper" or two. He tried to sell me some piece of shit towel called the ShamWow!
I knew that name and overly aggressive sales pitch sounded familiar! "You following me camera guy?" How did he know my profession?!
So here's the point... it came to my attention today that my late night buddy Vince, or Schlomi, as I know him, recently came into a bit of trouble. Really a victim of circumstance, if you ask me.
I mean, who among us can't say they've found themselves in a South Beach hotel, where their prostitute bit their tongue and wouldn't let go, forcing you to beat her down and call the cops. That's never happened to you? Well, me neither, but it certainly made for a rough Schlomi outing.
"Use it on your car! Your dog! Your RV! Use it to mop up your hooker's blood! Olympic divers use it!"
All I can say is, "Sham-WOW!"
Oh, and that I've been wanting to beat that guy up since the first time I saw one of those damn 2-minute commercials. Judging from his booking photo, looks like his hooker beat me to it.
UPDATE
Be sure not to miss the remixed version of his Slap-Chop commercial. I can't get enough of this:
So here's the point... it came to my attention today that my late night buddy Vince, or Schlomi, as I know him, recently came into a bit of trouble. Really a victim of circumstance, if you ask me.
I mean, who among us can't say they've found themselves in a South Beach hotel, where their prostitute bit their tongue and wouldn't let go, forcing you to beat her down and call the cops. That's never happened to you? Well, me neither, but it certainly made for a rough Schlomi outing.
"Use it on your car! Your dog! Your RV! Use it to mop up your hooker's blood! Olympic divers use it!"
All I can say is, "Sham-WOW!"
Oh, and that I've been wanting to beat that guy up since the first time I saw one of those damn 2-minute commercials. Judging from his booking photo, looks like his hooker beat me to it.
UPDATE
Be sure not to miss the remixed version of his Slap-Chop commercial. I can't get enough of this:
2 comments:
A most excellent tale. I'd rather have a hooker bite off my tongue than my...yeah.
ok you had me laughing out loud on this one...so embarrassing i'm supposed to at least be pretending to study.
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