The Jelly Belly Santorum Forum

The legendary pairing of candy and politics goes back many years, to a time known to historians as the Swingin' 80's... a time when then-president and former California governor Ronald Reagan declared his love for a locally produced jelly bean. The company skyrocketed from there, as the two built a powerful and long-lasting relationship.

Yes, the Ex-Prez never looked so delicious.

Hoping to follow in his footsteps, and perhaps soak in some of that mighty Reagan aura, is one Rick Santorum, who hosted a $1000 a plate fundraiser (and I thought The Olive Garden's prices were unreasonable...) at the world famous Jelly Belly factory in Fairfield. Because what says "underdog Republican comeback" like a giant jelly bean diving into an empty lobby?

Big Rick was met by a few hundred enthusiastic supporters, who gathered in the "Wild Cherry Room" to hear his talking points.

For over 30 minutes, The Rickster rambled on about Obama's failures, Iran's grave threats and the dangers of contraception. He was met with cheers, coupled with one minor jeer... a protester (wearing a Santorum 2012 sticker) interrupted the speech by shouting chants along the lines of "Californians stand for marriage equality!"

She was so loud that it seemed like Secret Service (who was there) would swoop in and silence her before it became too big of a deal... but they didn't seem to do anything. After about a minute of her shouts, some of the Santorum supporters came to the back and asked her to quiet down. She did not, and after another minute or two, they finally corralled her out the door. Where the hell were the tazers when you need them, eh?!

After the speech concluded, Santorum made his way around the room offering the typical shaking-hands-and-kissing-babies fare. Media folk like myself moved in with hopes of catching a quick Q-and-A before he made his way out. For some reason, he seemed to ignore the media completely, acting as if the bright lights and mics weren't being prodded into his face. Could this possibly be the result of last week's Bullsh*t gaff?? If only he had visited the week before, it could have been my question that got him to cuss!!

Not that it really matters, because when it comes down to it, Santorum doesn't stand a chance. Not because H.W. endorsed Romney at the same time, but because he's been hit with my curse. You see, every presidential candidate I've covered in my professional career - Dean, Romney, McCain - went on to lose in the election. Yes, Santorum has been hit with the Photocalypse curse, and I'm afraid there's no cure.

Except, perhaps, for a massive intake of jelly beans within a short amount of time. I can only assume that's what he's been doing for the past several hours, because (thanks to the complementary sample bowl) that's all I've been up to. My tummy hurts...

Occupy vs. Nazis: The Ultimate Clash

Tuesday afternoon, I found myself amidst a strangely bizarre scenario akin to some sort of epic comic book cross-over. The legendary Nazis were taking on the rag-tag soldiers of the Occupy movement in an epic clash that was sure to be one for the ages. The day started out so simply... how did it come to this?

"The Nazis only have a permit until 3 PM, so it should be wrapping up soon," I reported back to the assignment desk, taking a moment to appreciate the bizarre nature of that statement. A group of Neo-Nazis, complete with a rally permit, spent several hours standing in front of California's State Capitol to protest "white genocide in South Africa." Interesting.

Across the lawn, a group of counter-protesters formed to declare their distaste for the Neo-Nazi movement and agenda.

Separating the two was a sea of law enforcement officers, ready to lay the smack down if anything got out of control.

All things considered, it was a relatively peaceful event. Choice words were hurled back and forth between the two groups as signs were waved and circles were marched. The Neo-Nazi group said they had a right to express their opinions, while the counter group declared they didn't care for the hateful message. Agree to disagree, I suppose.

Then came the game changer... Marching down the middle of a busy street, hooting and hollering along the way, came dozens of militant Occupiers from out West. Now things should get interesting.

As they intermingled with the counter-protesters, the noise level increased substantially, as the police force separating the two groups suddenly doubled. While Nazis and Occupiers aren't known to functionally co-habitate, the Peace Officer is one of the few natural predators of the Occupier. The focus of the group quickly shifted from denouncing the Nazis to denouncing the police, who had no choice but to keep the two groups separated.

It was clear that the temperament of the mob was starting to boil over, just as 3:00 approached and the Neo-Nazis were going to have to leave. In an effort to prevent a full-scale riot, the police led the Neo-Nazis down the street to a parking garage, while the Occupy group ran along the other side of the street. Both sides were shouting insults back and forth, but it wasn't until a bottle smashed beside my feet that I realized we were in trouble.

I slowly backed away behind a police car as cops in riot gear came rushing in, armed with helmets and clubs. Several officers were hit with paintballs and various projectiles, all from the Occupy side, as the Neo-Nazis retreated into the safety of a parking garage. I was sure to stay behind the police line, knowing that once the clubs start swinging, it's easy to get mistaken for a troublemaker. I just hoped that the teargas didn't start flying, because that stuff's a bitch.

Several arrests were made as the cops descended on the unruly mob. Two officers were injured in the melee, one of which had to be transported to the hospital. Many others were covered in paint.

So in the epic showdown of Occupy vs. Nazi, who came out on top? Ol' Johnny Law, that's who.

Once again, Occupiers managed to bury the message of their protest by getting out of control and violent. You know there's a problem when you face off with a group of Nazis and it's you that comes away looking like the bad guy. You just can't go around throwing stuff at cops... they really don't like it.

I'm on a Train!

Over the weekend, I found myself with a hankerin' for an adventure and a need for a lift from the Bay Area to Sacramento. For a long time now, I've been hearing about this new method of transport... some sort of "train" that traves from one location to another. Having never ventured onto the Amtrak lines before, I decided it was high time I traveled Biden-style across the glorious region of Northern California!



As I climed aboard amidst conductor calls that could hardly be understood, I made my way up the stairs wondering what would happen if I'd accidently made my way onto the wrong train. Would they toss me out the window, Indiana Jones style? As I started to get nervous, I'd noticed that I had stumbled upon the dining car, which just so happened to offer a varied menu that included beer, wine and spirits. As the train took off from the station, I decided that I was going wherever it was headed, so I might as well grab a drink and enjoy the ride.



As the train headed East from Jack London Square in Oakland, I settled into a window seat, ready to take in all the glorious scenery that this great state has to offer. The ocean, the wildlife, the magnificant skyline... the Bay Area was a world class destination that I was lucky to live so close to, and I was ready to take it in for all its glory. I leaned against the window, ready to absorb the beauty... and... yup... Sure enough, that's a homeless man taking a piss. Glorious.



As we rolled through Oakland, I realized that there was a lot of art and culture existing off the beaten path that I'd been missing all this time. Who needs a fancy gallery when you've got Amtrak?



Being familiar with the journey, at least from the freeway's viewpoint, I was sure that something pretty would have to come about before long. I busted out my book and decided to distract myself until the scenery tidied up a bit, only to discover that the shakey train was making me a little carsick (trainsick... I know, I know...). So I tossed the book aside and took in the train for what it was.

It wasn't long before my distaste for the public took hold and I started to get strated. A wiley child ran up and down the aisle in front of a screaming mother, while the girl sitting in front of me played a phone game with the sound on. Pop! Pop! Whatever the game was, it involved some sort of bubbles, and she seemed to be doing well. But here comes the fun part... she started singing to herself. Not just singing quietly, but singing in a way where you know she thinks she's good, but really has no business shrieking in public like that. It made me a little sad inside, like when the loser American Idol contestants are told that they've failed at life. Poor thing...



Tired of this nonsense, I plugged into my iPod and glanced out the window, hoping to witness the beauty of the bay. Nope... Shanty town.



Well one man can only take so much squalor, so I started looking around for other options of entertainment. What's this? Aparently a train isn't all that different from your typical airline, because they offer a seat pocket stuffed with magazines and instructional pamphlets.



Naturally, I started with the "In Case of Emergency" pamphlet, which featured a brail translation for the visually impaired. I could only imagine how a blind person would feel in an emergency when they came across Step 1: "Look Around"...



As my amusement slowly dispersed, I decided to try the window again, and sure enough, there was something worth looking at!



Look at that... just glorious! The birds, the sailboats, the factories... wait, what's this coming up?



Dang. The beautiful coastline evaporated as quickly as it had appeared. Now we seemed to be in some sort of industrial wasteland, coming so close to these factories that I felt like I was on one of the filler Disneyland rides.



So naturally, it was back to the seat pockets, which revealed a sort of train version of Sky Mall. That resulted in this, which may have made the whole trip worth it:



Yes, a Bigfoot that attaches to your tree. Sick of the neighbor kids playing on your lawn? Well $69.95 will solve that problem! Send them screaming back to their mamas with style!

Eventually the 2 hour trip came to a close. As we approached the familir skyline, I couldn't help but wonder if I had learned something from this increadible journey...



To sum up: People are stupid and annoying, housing near railroad tracks can be scary, beauty is quickly destroyed by industry, and beer is way more expensive than it should be on trains. Also, boats are way cooler.

All together, a very enlightning experience! No wonder Joe Biden loves these things...

Niners Back in the Game

How 'bout them Niners, eh? Remember back when nobody gave a damn about them? Like, for much of my lifetime? Well, things have changed, my friend. San Francisco has a team once again, with a coach that's been more on fire than Bill Clinton's days in in NBA Jam. How 'bout them dumplings? Niners fever has swept across the state in recent weeks, which led me to 49er HQ in Santa Clara on Wednesday. Wanna see something cool? Check this out:


Yeah, that's FIVE Super Bowl trophies, just hanging out in the lobby. I had never seen one Super Bowl trophy before (just a lame ol' World Series trophy), but golly, that is impressive.

Of course, those were all from days past... could they do it again? Big Jim, the angriest looking coach in professional sports, certainly seemed hopeful.


Even when he's happy, he seems pissed. What's the deal?

But it's hard to deny that the man has worked some wonders over the past season, and in his first year as head coach, no less. I've never had any love for the man (ever since I witnessed his Stanford team beat my Ducks a few years ago), but you must give credit where credit is due, and considering that Stanford lost to UC Davis not all that long ago... it seems clear that the man knows how to turn a team around.


Just look at player of the moment Vernon Davis... a disaster a year or two ago, now the king of the day. And QB Alex Smith certainly didn't have much to brag about lately... but my, how quickly things change.


"Winning as a quarterback this time of year speaks for itself. That's how I do my talking." That's how Smith responded to a question about his former critics. Pretty badass, eh? Really, it looks better in print than it sounded in person at the press conference, because it seemed more like he was dodging the question when you hear it played out. But hey, he did say it, so let's quote it up!

In the end, I only got to shoot a few minutes of practice before we were kicked out, but it was still pretty sweet to check out the behind-the-scenes action going on during playoffs. Being from the Bay Area, I get to enjoy the glory of claiming them as one of my hometown teams... and while I've never been much of a hardcore NFL fan (college is really more my cup of gravy), I've been to plenty of games in my younger days and can at least declare that I'm proud they've come this far.

Is the Super Bowl around the corner? I don't know if they have any more room on those shelves in the lobby for another trophy... but we'll see. Niners!

The Great Rose Bowl Adventure: Take Two

For the past three years, I have started each new year with an adventure. Journeys that were meant to demonstrate all that is right and true in the world. Voyages into the unknown that were intended to start the year off on a high note. It's been rough...

2010: Oregon vs. Ohio State in the Rose Bowl. Oregon lost.

2011: Oregon vs. Auburn in the BCS National Championship. Oregon lost.

Now 2012 was upon us, and coach Chip Kelly had led the Ducks to an unprescedented third conference championship in a row (in his third season as head coach). I'd gone this far, but could I really suffer at the hands of another crushing loss... in person?? The time, the effort, the cost... all factors that weighed heavily on my mind. But in the end, I decided I couldn't give up on my boys now, so we booked a flight to Pasadena and took a mulligan on the Rose Bowl!

I gotta say, it felt great to be back, and there was definately a different vibe in the air. We'd done this before. We'd gone beyond this to "The Natty". Now, we're back in familiar teritory and ready to give it another go.

I was also reminded about the drawbacks of playing at the Rose Bowl. Most notably: the stadium. It's a cool, historic place, but it is a bitch to get in and (especially) out of there. And then there's the seats... benches with numbers on them that seem to get closer every year. When everyone is standing, it was often necessary to stand sideways in order to fit. When people sat, there wasn't enough room for everyone and somebody had to remain standing. Ridiculous.

But little mattered aside from the final score. I'd been through the ringer twice before, and honestly this was probably going to be the last bowl trip for me, at least for a while. It is such an exhausting trip, and the pain of losing makes the whole journey seem wasted. I can only take so much pain before I have to consider how nice it would be to sit at home and watch the game without some jerk crowding my seat.

But finally, after years of torment, the Ducks pulled it off. And it was glorious.

So, after 3 years, I can FINALLY declare that I've seen the Ducks win a bowl game in person. FINALLY. And on top of that, I can FINALLY start a year off right! 2012 is shaping up nicely, and has already made 2011 and 2010 look stupid in comparison.

Bring on the new year! Go Ducks!

Occupied in Davis

Just when you thought things were starting to wind down... a trigger happy campus cop goes and sets off a pepper-infused firestorm. Here we go again...

Suddenly the spotlight has been nudged East of Oakland to neighboring community Davis, where... well... this happened.

And while it did give birth to a hilarious internet sensation, it also pissed a lot of people off. A LOT of people. Like... this many:

Thousands gathered in the campus quad to collectively proclaim "Don't taze me, bro" (with pepper spray), and to demand that chancellor Linda Katehi resign. It was quite the scene.

Well, to cut to the chase (literally), my week or two of chasing after Katehi for interviews landed me in the line of sight for several national news outlets. See if anybody looks familiar:

It's nice to finally get a little screen time! Like a much more attractive version of Where's Waldo (if I do say so myself...). This is easily my biggest role since 2005's "Guy Buying Sink Parts" in a Roseburg, OR Ace Hardware commercial. Oh yes, this star is gonna shine!

Key to the City! (Featuring Tesla)

I've always heard about important people receiving a "key to the city"... a key that may or may not be able to open any door within the city limits. I never believed the legends, because no man could possibly be trusted with such power. I mean... they could get into candy stores after hours! Pet any of the animals at the zoo! Release all the prisoners in the jail and force them to perform some sort of Michael Jackson dance routine! If this were true, who could possibly be trusted to wield such power?

I know who you're thinking of, so let's say it at the same time. Ready? One... Two... Three!

TESLA!!

Wait, who did you say? Oh come on, I would trust Tesla over Batman any day of the week!

That's right, Sacramento's hometown heroes received the Key to the City from superstar mayor Kevin Johnson, who even went as far as to declare the day "Tesla Day" in Sacramento!

This is easily the biggest day in Sacramento history since the mayor declared "Wendy Williams Day" back in September! Golly, the 2012 calendar is going to be full of holidays next year!

So congratulations to Tesla, who are celebrating their biggest moment since July's nationally televised interview with famed journalist Alfonzo Beta. Just keep that damn key away from my house (and the numerous treasure chests I keep in my garage)!!