Webber: "It's for the Kids"

Earlier today the city of Sacramento was visited by an old friend. Famed baller Chris Webber made his way back to town and hosted a free-throw competition for kids at his restaurant out near Arco Arena.

He wasn't there to promote anything or to sell any fancy gear, he just thought that it would be a fun opportunity for the kids. Let me tell you, as far as professional athletes go, I was very much impressed.

But what really won me over was that he gave me a free hood ornament for my car!

Official opinion of Chris Webber: A Good Guy.

Jasper vs. Goldbug

Meet Jasper:

Jasper is our family dog, with a grab-bag of pedigrees in him. His rottweiler coloring, poofy chow fur and floppy retriever ears have led him to be known as "that dog that looks like a Dr. Seuss character". He's a great guy, but he has one major flaw in his psyche.

Meet Goldbug:

This strange gold-colored statue was in left in our house when we moved in some 19 years ago. Nobody really knows what it is, but it sits next to the fireplace in our living room anyway. What's the deal with Goldbug? Jasper hates him. We don't know why, but if anyone picks it up and brings it anywhere near him, he freaks out. Even if you leave it in the middle of the floor, he goes nuts. That being said, I present to you...

The Adventures of Jasper and Goldbug

Jonesin' on Soulbeat

A few years back in the Bay Area there was a small television channel called "Soulbeat." It was essentially a public access channel- locally owned, no budget, etc. Despite what you may assume, the channel was awesome. It had a variety of programs, ranging from a news show (where some woman read the newspaper from a desk) to a music video request show (complete with shout-outs). But the real gold was in their late night talk show, Night Talk Jones with Billy E. Jones. One man - One Microphone- One phone line. Basically, anybody could call up and get two minutes to discuss anything that they felt was important. This primarily consisted of discussions on community issues and local politics. However, this was not always the case. Some of my high school pals and I used to get together and enjoy a classy evening of drinking beers and calling Billy to express our opinions on what we thought were important issues. Here is a brief compilation of our contributions:

Historical Infamy: The Cabin Party

There are many stories that survive through the ages, passed down from generation to generation so that their children's children may learn of their historical heritage and rich cultural history. There are certain moments in time that will forever live on in the pages of history books. I was pleased to be a witness to one such event, a moment in history that can never be replicated, but which had lasting effects that ripple even through today's modern society. While sorting through my personal archives, I came across some historical documents that reminded me of this momentous occasion, and while most in the general populous know this story well, I felt that it was worth retelling from my own point of view. Thus, I submit to you:

The Freshman Year Cabin Party

The concept was a simple one: 10 cases of beer, 5 young men, 1 raging weekend. A member of our freshman dormitory gang happened to have a cabin up on the Hood River (a river made famous by a certain inexpensive and thus highly toxic alcohol, HRD). It was early February of 2002, only 5 months into our college experience, and we smelled adventure on the air.

Using the combination of an available older brother and a local bum named Maddy, we amassed 10 cases of various beers one fateful Friday afternoon. Why 10 cases? Well, it just seemed like a good round number.

Exactly how much beer is in 10 cases? Well, give or take a few, about this many:

(Actually, that's only about 7 cases... and the vegetable and meat
drawers are full as well)

The weekend was indeed a rager: campfires, drunken injuries and rockin 80's classics fueled the madness as the fridge slowly worked its way towards empty.

Here are a few highlights from the mythic days spent in the mountains:

Legend #1: SVENNY

What happens when you have 10 cases of beer? Why, you have 10 empty boxes! Now, what's a drunken student of higher learning to do with all these boxes? Build a robot, of course!

Thus, Svenny was born. You think those Transformers are cool? I'd rather party with this robot any day. I mean, just look at the hat!

Legend #2: THE BRIDGE

Not too far from the cabin we found the Hood River. A fine river by any measure, but there was one issue... There was a small island only about 10 feet off from the shore and, it being winter and all, the river carried with it a mighty chill. Thus, there was no available access to this island. Well, 10 cases of beer and an ax felt otherwise...

After chopping down only a small number of trees, we managed to fashion ourselves a fine bridge.

Once again, Mother Nature falls to the power of Man. How do you like that, hippies?

Legend #3: CHUCKO!

By now, most have heard of the maniacal debauchery of a creature known to the world as Chucko. However, at this point in time, Mike's alter ego had yet to emerge in our presence. Sure, we knew Mike enjoyed to hit the bottle time and again, and who doesn't? Our dorm was known for various sub-legal exploits, however we had yet to come across this spawn of Satan until this weekend. It was, indeed, our introduction to Chucko.

Out in the woods, there was a treehouse-like deck raised off the ground about 8 feet or so. Next to it was a tire swing. Well, after consuming various beers on our newly claimed island...

...Mike, or "Chucko", as he was calling himself, decided that it was his duty to swing from the elevated deck on the tire swing. Given the high probability of failure, none of us were about to stop him.

(Take note of his wet leg... he fell off the bridge a few times)

Now, logic dictates that as long as he holds onto the swing, he should do just fine. However, physics dictates otherwise...

Be that as it may, this failure did not deter Chucko... he was right back up there to try it again...

...and again...

By the end of the weekend, he did not once swing successfully from the deck. However, he sustained hip injuries that still haunt him to this day.

This journey into nature was only the first of several throughout our college years. While certainly being the most infamous, there are certainly untold tales that may emerge with time. Until then, the memory of the original cabin party will continue to fuel my nightmares, and perhaps yours, as well.

Thunder Valley Sinatorium

One fine summer eve, a group of spunky young lads dropped by a flashy entertainment establishment on the outskirts of their local 'ville. Innocent and bright eyed, they entered this gamery with great hopes of finding happiness and whimsy.

Unbeknownst to them, this inviting abode was in fact a lair of greed and sin. After several hours within the confines of the Thunder Valley Casino, they re-emerged into the world as twisted and hollow shells of their former selves, scarred by the ways of the devil.

While it is too late to save their blackened souls, there may still be time to save yours. Kids, say no to copious amounts of alcohol, gambling and attractive blackjack dealers. If you don't, you could one day wake up to see this as your reflection in the mirror:

THE DEATH OF (captain) AMERICA

Working as a journalist, one finds that every day brings with it new challenges. On Monday you could be in the midst of a forest fire, Tuesday a gang shooting, Wednesday a cat fashion show, etc. However today's story was one of a very serious nature. During this time of war, a time of fear and doubt, the country lost a great hero... A man who is known the world over for his tireless effort to promote truth and justice in the name of democracy. Stories about fallen soldiers are always hard, but this one was particularly difficult to face. I speak, of course, about the tragic death of Captain America.

The day after we celebrate the birth of our nation, Marvel Comics decides that it is time to kill off and bury the one shred of hope that the people of this country had left: that a man armed with nothing but a shield would restore peace to the world. Why only a shield? Because the United States (up until about 4 years ago) does not act unprovoked against other countries. During the 1940's, around the time that Captain America came to be, the United States was propelled into a world war after being attacked without warning. Thus, the shield transformed from a defensive to an offensive weapon as the United States unleashed its wrath on those who opposed the ideologies of freedom and justice. This event is illustrated below, where we see Captain America punching Hitler.

Bet he didn't see that one coming.

After leading the country to victory over the (original) Axis of Evil, Captain America continued to fight for America using nothing but a shield. 70 years later, as the Bush administration struggles to defeat evil in all its forms (like the unreasonable sentencing of Scooter Libby), the national icon has fallen. Our last hope for victory over terror and various other ambiguous yet frightening nouns has vanished. It is truly a dark day for freedom.

The focus of today's story was to inquire as to what motives may have led to the burial of a national icon the day after Independence Day. Was this done in order to project a political message to the masses? Our conclusion: Perhaps.

Marvel treated the tragic end of this iconic hero with the utmost respect:

I've asked the same question about my leader... we'll call him "W"... more times than I could tell you.

As tragic as this day is, it should be noted that this isn't the first time Captain America has died. As it turns out, he has been killed in action 12 times since his creation in the 1940's. That profound number, by my count, exceeds even that of Friday the 13th's Jason, which in itself was ridiculous. I mean, think about it... Jesus did it only once, and look at all the credit he got. So perhaps today shouldn't be thought of as at tragic day, for this probably isn't the last we've seen of the good Captain.

Fortunately he was around when the country was once again provoked into war by an unwarranted attack. Much like the outset to WWII, the United States was hit without warning by a ruthless enemy. Like in WWII, the United States responded in kind, proving once again that we would not tolerate aggression against our homeland, especially when civilian targets were involved. Captain America showed his support through some of the darker days in this country's history, despite being over 100 years old (assuming he was over 30 in the original comics, which, judging by the definition in his muscular stature, he was). However, the current engagement in Iraq falls far from the ideals that Captain America originally represented. Rather than defending freedom with a shield, this country took the offensive against a weak and insignificant target because the leader had a personal vendetta. The result? Utter chaos that cannot be controlled by force. Captain America used a shield as a weapon, defending himself once defense was needed. Being that our current war couldn't be farther from this scenario, perhaps it is proper that Captain America be killed off. Hopefully he will be resurrected once this country is back on track.

It looks as if this tale has a moral to it after all... Like the Phoenix, this country must perish (thanks, Bush) in order to rise again stronger than it ever has been (Gore, you gonna help us out over here or what?).

Happy Birthday USA

Happy 4th of July everyone... and is it ever an interesting time. Being a minor political junkie, I always love to turn on the TV and find that the Bush administration has managed to dig themselves a little deeper into their hole. Many of us have disagreed with the administration for a long time because their policies have been based around ideology and religious ideals rather than logic and reason. That, in addition to their unrelenting arrogance and dedication to one another rather than the rule of law, is why this country sorely needs a new direction. I saw this on MSNBC last night, and was very much impressed.

So let's get drunk, fire up the barbecues and blow some 80's action figures to pieces! Happy Birthday, America!