There's a New Sheriff (Back) in Town

It's no secret that California's seen its better days. But the old guy will be missed. Say what you will about his job performance... but it was friggin' cool to see the friggin' Terminator in my day-to-day business...

But then, he and I did have history together that's hard to forget. Oh Arnold, can you please do Kindergarden Cop 2 already?

But yeah, a new guy is running the party now, and he's made it clear that things are going to be done differently. Not just fiscally, but media-ly as well. For starters, rather than having press conferences at that boring old media room, we're gonna start doing things around a picnic table outside his office. Yup. A picnic table.

Pretty sweet, eh? The best part of this was that the press conference ended with his aides saying he was late for the next meeting. As he left, he pointed out that there was free coffee waiting by the door for everybody. "Hey, there's plenty of coffee over here! Why isn't anyone drinking the coffee? Come on people, we got coffee here!" He left his aides and grabbed a cup of coffee, encouraging everyone to join in. They kept saying he was late for the next appointment, but he kept chit-chatting with the good folks of the local media, saying "Grab some coffee! Why don't you have any coffee?"

Conan's out, Brown's (back) in. So far, I gotta say the newbie can throw a picnic way better than the last guy. But then, I guess he's done this before. Can he mend the battle-weary super state? I dunno, the last guy beat it up pretty bad (you remember what he did to the Predator, right? Way worse...), and if Predator 2 was any indication... this might suck pretty bad. But I'm ready to find out!

Beta Beer

So they got this place in town where they let you brew your own beer. I've made appearances there several times throughout my years in town, and to be honest.... the beer isn't great. But an associate of mine had a coupon that got us 50% off brewing... so I hopped on board and we brewed us up some beer.

Then there came the conversation (via gmail) about a labeling option. Somebody threw out the idea that perhaps ol' Alfonzo should be somehow involved in the process... and heck, I've never been one to turn down an Alfonzo appearance... so I found a computer at work with Photoshop, and blew 15 minutes (off the clock) rigging up a little to-do that could be featured on our bottles...

"Dr. Beta's Off Tha Grid Drank (Consumable Alcoholic Substance)" is about to hit the world by storm, so you better get ready to line up for the only alcoholic substance that guarantees less than 12% anti-freeze by volume! And I ain't kiddin', this sh*t is for real!

So get in line, sucka! Cuz Alfonzo is about to send you flyin'!! And (surprisingly) it's really quite consumable!!

Gleeful Assignment

You can probably imagine how I felt when I was told to drive 90 miles away to interview these guys...

...then drive 90 miles back and write/track/edit the piece. Yes, much like other professional lenslingers around the country, I've hopped onto the one-man-bandwagon in the name of progress. Or evolution. Or whatever. Bottom line, I gotta interview fat naked guys. Giddy-up.

Upon my arrival in Modesto, I was pleased to discover that there was only one dancer, and he was fully clothed. While it would have been hilarious to shoot the interview with him in his skimmies... it was just the two of us in his home, and there are some things that I'm just not willing to do for this job. Apologies.

That being said, the entire piece was logged, written and edited in under 2 hours, so it is a little rushed, but here is the final result:

Nobody ever said anything about this kinda stuff in Journalism School. But then again, very little of what I learned has translated into reality.

Some days you get cheerleader try-outs, others you get fat guys in their underwear. That's journalism, baby!

The Great BCS Championship Adventure

It's been a heck of a year for college football, and a heck of a year for my beloved Oregon Ducks.

So what say we start off 2011 with a good ol' fashion adventure, Ducks style!! Much like last year's Oregon Rose Bowl adventure, me and Pops were lucky enough (and I think there was a huge amount of luck involved in this) to score a pair of tickets to The Natty!! (And we only had to pay the modest $300 ticket price, rather than the $18,000 StubHub price.)

And boy, was it an adventure. Flying into Phoenix the day of the game, we discovered that our hotel had somehow "misplaced" our reservation. As we drove to the game in our rented Civic, I had to scramble to find somewhere to sleep for the night. Eventually a Holiday Inn Express was found that had a 2 bedroom smoking room for a reasonable $260. Ouch... but it beats sleeping in the car.

So we get to the stadium... and it turns out you were supposed to buy your parking passes in advance? Would have been nice to know, seeing as how there was no alternate plan. So we parked the rental car in a lot we didn't have a pass for, declared "Screw it!", and headed off to the official UO tailgater. But not before snapping a quick picture of a well-known stow away...

So the tailgater proved to be a little less than its $90 price tag had suggested. It provided a modest all-you-can-eat lunch and a bar with 10 drink tickets (a reasonable amount), which I did my best to dispose of...

...but the gosh darn marching band, cheerleaders and mascot Duck decided to make their way into the party and start their little to-do right in front of the booze line! Come on, people... we're running out of time and I only have 10 tickets to use!!

Ah well, might as well get into the Oregon spirit. Besides, there'll be plenty of $9 beers to buy inside! So after downing a few quick ones, we made our way in, got past a few formalities...

...and it was on! The clash of the titans!! Heisman winner vs. Coach of the Year!!! War Eagle vs. Duck mascot that was suspended for fighting!!!! Aw man, let's do this!!

So it turned out to be one hell of a grudge match. Both teams had defenses far beyond what had been anticipated, and it proved to be a surprisingly low scoring game. But that doesn't mean it wasn't crazy. When the Ducks came back and scored a touchdown with a 2-point conversion to tie it up in the 4th quarter... I've never had problems with high blood pressure in the past, but I thought my heart was going to explode.

In the end, it was a rough loss, but if you have to lose it might as well be in the final moments to a field goal. After the game, Auburn offered a lot of "This was God's work" and "That play was an act of God", which seemed both unnecessary and offensive. When I got back to the hotel, I overheard Cam Newton on TV saying, "I guess we just got the last laugh." All the fans at the stadium were friendly and positive after the game to Ducks fans, which is commendable. But Cam Newton, Auburn's coach and the rest of those sons-of-bitches ain't gettin' no love from me. We'll see who gets the last laugh next year.

That being said, it was still a most excellent adventure (even if it did end in the same manner as last year's Rose Bowl). We've still got an amazing team, and I still love my Ducks.

To conclude the story... upon our arrival home, Dad said, "Well, we probably should have just spent all that money on a 3D TV. It would have been about the same, except we would have had a better view." True, but some adventures are worth having the old fashion way.

The World Series Trophy!

Hey. Yeah, you. You remember that time the San Francisco Giants won the World Series? How sweet was that, eh?

Yeah, I wouldn't know. I kinda got shafted on covering the event. But hey, I've moved on. And today I was handed something of a consolation prize... their coveted championship trophy was making the rounds in Cali, and I got an E-Z Pass to the front of the line. It's not quite like getting doused in the locker room with champagne... but I'll take what I can get.

First stop on Trophy Tour '11 was the State Capitol, formally known as the House of Arnold. Now, I don't know how many people were expected to show for this event (especially at 10 AM on a Thursday), but the end result must have been a few thousand more than anticipated. Seriously, the trophy was in a room on the third floor, and the line wound through the hall, down two flights of stairs, and then circled around the main floor. It was insane, and this was just to see the trophy!

Well it was only able to make a brief 2 hour pit stop before heading over to city hall, where former NBA All-Star mayor Kevin Johnson called a time out from a city hall meeting to "touch this darn trophy."

But the good mayor wasn't about to be the only one that got to touch that darn trophy! I rounded up my sidekicks Don Peso and Alfonzo Beta for a lil' trophy touchin'. And it was good.

(Note: Giants owner Bill Neukom in the background, oblivious to the numbskullery)

So fine work, Giants! Sorry I couldn't be there in person to see your victory, but the least I could do is put a mustached beta tape next to your priceless trophy. Thanks for the opportunity!

Hasta La Arnold, Baby

Oh man, I'm gonna miss that guy.

Not because he was a great governor. In fact, he wasn't... and California is kind of in the... how you say... fecal depository.

But damnit, it was fun to see Arnold Friggin' Schwarzenegger in my work day. It breathed a little life into what's widely recognized as a boring-as-hell assignment: politics. I grew up watching his movies, and he was my favorite actor during my teenage years (clearly I valued blowing s*#t up over actual acting abilities).

But don't get me wrong... I'm not sad to see former/new governor Jerry "Get off My Lawn!" Brown coming into office. It's just not gonna be as much fun spending my days in the trenches of The Cap.

Gosh, it all started back when...

I was a fresh young buck, new to the Sactown market. Wide-eyed, part-time and covering a morning shift for the first time in my life, 2007 was shaping up to be a rough transition year. Then I was sent out to a CHP Memorial Ceremony, and who should I see... but my childhood hero!

"Holy crap!" It was tough to focus on the somber event when the friggin' Kindergarten Cop was standing right there! I don't think I had ever been more excited to be a cog in the machine of journalism.

A few months later, me and The Schwarz met again. This time it was at a firefighter memorial ceremony Gosh Arnold, we really gotta stop meeting like this.

Still... The friggin' Terminator is sitting right there! I'm only a few feet away from the guy! I was ecstatic. This is the greatest job ever!

But he must have felt something too, because this wasn't the last of Arnold I was gonna see in 2007. Towards the end of the year, I was lucky enough to cover the California Hall of Fame induction ceremony (which also introduced me to the infamous Tiger Woods). I got to see him with the entire family, and in a non-mourning atmosphere for once (which means he will be repeating: "How are you!" "Good to see you!" "Thank you for coming!" as he passes through the crowd). Hey, I'll take it!

Following this year-long courtship, Arnold and I hit slow times. In fact, it was over a year before he finally broke the ice and invited me to a Christmas(/Chanukah) event at the capitol.

Oh man, that was a fun time! (Be sure to watch the video on that link.)

Then, about April of '09, things changed. I was sent to the Cap for a presser with the Gov. Something about a fuel cell car or something. I get to the East steps, I see the car, but there isn't any other media. Eventually a still camera or two arrives, but I'm the only TV station there. Arnold comes strolling out, makes a speech about the car, and asks for any questions... stairing me in the eyes, as I'm the only one pointing a mic at him.

As I stare into the eyes of the Conan the Barbarian, all I can think about is how he has a lot of gray eyebrow hairs mixed in with his brown ones. Guess he doesn't dye his eyebrows. Eventually I spit out some sort of stupid question about the car company making a fuel cell Hummer for him... which he laughs about and says "I hope so" or something along those lines. He then gets in the car, drives it around, and goes back into the capitol.

I've always referred to this day as my "exclusive one-on-one with the governor".

A good year later, he and I met face to face again. This time, I (accidentally) shook his hand as I was trying to retrieve live truck keys from a photographer at an event. The photographer passed by without hearing me shouting his name, and I suddenly found myself toe-to-toe with True Lies himself. He put out his hand and said, "Hello! Thank you for having me!" I wasn't about to be rude, so I took the hand and said "Thank you so much for joining us!", having no idea what the event was actually about. It was my second (and final) one-on-one with the governor.

I will say the man has an excellent handshake. Firm, yet not over-bearing.

Throughout 2010, Arnold and I had several encounters, although all were from a distance.

It was tough seeing him so far away after we'd gotten so close, but I later discovered that a good majority of our newsroom employees never even saw him once in his 7 years as governor of California. Guess he must have liked me.

So that wraps up my adventures with Arnold Schwarzenegger (and how many people can make that statement?). However I can't help but feel that I've failed as a journalist. My goal for years was to introduce the good governor to local celebrity Alfonzo Beta, and that never happened. I have failed you, Photocalypse Nation, and I apologize.

Thanks for a good run, Arnold. Now get back to making Total Recall 2!

The Abominable Redneck

Ask any photog... you've got your good days at the office, and then you've got your snow days. That's when you get the dreaded "come in early... and bring your long underwear" phone call. Ask around... every photog in The Biz hates these days (except for perhaps a few wannabe reporter divas).

Me? I hate 'em, and I've been complaining about it for years. But when it comes down to it, it's (literally) your job, so you just gotta suck it up and brace for a 12 hour day of cutting your hands on snow chains, sliding into embankments and losing feeling in your smaller fingers.

Today was no exception, as we headed over the mountain for the annual snow survey at Lake Tahoe. This was one of those special snow stories, where you had to use snow shoes just to get to the action. I tried to make the best of it by convincing myself that usually people have to pay to go snow shoeing... but I would have much rather spent the day doing something cooler. Oh well.

So this is how you play the game: You get out. You shoot what you need. You get back in the truck. You think happy thoughts. You repeat. Not quite what I had pictured when I was a young buck in Journalism school, but I guess I'm stuck now.

So, back to the story... snow survey is shot, ski resort folks are interviewed, package is done. Everybody's happy. Day turns to night, snow continues to pound the live truck, and I wish that time could fly faster so that I didn't have to dig out the truck after our live shot. Ah yes, livin' the dream.

But to be fair, everything had gone smoothly. Our satellite shot was established, our story was edited, and we were ready to go live! I threw up a light, so that the good folks at home could see the snow, and the show began.

So the show started with the weather gal talking about the crazy storm (and how you shouldn't go out in it... always my favorite part), and then it was coming to our story. But somebody started shouting behind me, which was odd because we were on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere. He was not only shouting, but violently cussing. This wasn't good, as we were moments away from our live hit.

I turn to find a grizzled man in a cowboy hat, mad as all hell that our light is spilling into his yard and lighting up one of his trees. I try to quickly explain that we are about to go live and will be done within minutes... but he's having none of it. He has to get up at midnight for work (it is 5:30 PM), and if we don't turn off that light, there's gonna be problems (an abundance of expletives were removed, for our younger readers sake). I reiterated that we'd be done in moments and to just hang on, thinking we were going to be live any second. He stormed off, allowing me to grab only a brief silhouette of the beast:

So just as they come to our story, I hear the director in my ear squawking: "We lost your shot! We lost your shot!" In a panic, I run back to the truck, only to discover that our new friend had been pulling at cables, until he finally found the one connected to the light. "If you plug that motherf'ing cable back in, it's gonna be the last thing you do, you sorry piece of s___." Now, there comes a time in every journalist's life when he (or she) has to ask him (or her) self what he (she) is willing to do for his (her) job (it is exhausting being politically correct). Perhaps some are willing to take a bowie knife to the abdomen, but I decided it was time to cut my losses, especially since our story was already running without our live shot. It was a wasted evening, but at least I didn't end up in some backwoods hick's stew.

Just when you think you've seen it all... Two days later, I returned to the snow (grobble grobble) and realized that, despite it being another awful 12-hour day, at least I didn't have to deal with the Abominable Redneck, and that makes for an ok shift.

Oh, and I later found out that another crew had to deal with this guy last year, and that time he came out screaming without a shirt on. Guess I should consider myself lucky?