Crawlin' for a Cure

It always feels good to give back to the society that we all take from so abundantly. This is especially true when giving back yields an abundance of booze and gourmet food. Enter: The Edible Crawl for a Cure, a fundraiser to help fight cystic fibrosis (I didn't know what it was either). That's right, somebody came up with the brilliant idea of getting you drunk and letting you wander around town while fighting for a good cause.

Here's how it works: You pay a modest entry fee and form a team of 10-30 well-intentioned folks, you get a card with 20 fine restaurants, bars and eateries around the midtown area, and from noon to 5 PM, you try to make it to every location, where you're served a drink and some food, often times something pretty fancy lookin'.

The only downside was that they forced me to get up at noon on a Saturday! But hey, I'll get up early for a good cause.

There was a wide variety of places on the list, ranging from fine dining to that yogurt place on the corner. Ya walk in, flash your card, and they serve you up some eats and drinks. A fine time, to be sure, but there was one complication... what they gave you wasn't always compatible with what you just got. The drinks offer a fine example of this... The first place fills you up with a mohito. You then move onto a pub that tops you off with a lager, followed by a glass of sangria at an Italian restaurant, a cup o' joe at the little coffee house, and a shot of tequila offered up by the Mexican restaurant across the street, and that's only the first 25% of your "crawl".

Throw in some tacos, hummus, frozen yogurt (fro-yo) a side of bruschetta and some mac-n-cheese, and that's when the adventure really begins. And don't forget, you're huffin' it from place to place in a desparate effort to squeeze in all twenty stops! Who would have thought curing cystic fibrosis would take so much work!

Along the route, we crossed paths with former NBA star and wannabe-mayor Kevin Johnson, who shook my hand and insisted that Sacramento needed "change", a term that seems to be quite popular these days.

Hey, good luck to ya.

So as time ticked by increasingly faster after each stop, we had to kick it into high gear if we were ever going to finish this adventure. Quick drink, quick eat, and we were on to the next stop. People began disappearing from our group, perhaps passing out in an alley or calling a cab to head home, but there was no time to find out...

Rounding the block and dashing to a small coffee house hidden in an alley, we finished just minutes after the 5 PM deadline. Fortunately (well, not for my stomach), they still were willing to fill us up on coffee as we checked off the last destination on our map of culinary debauchery.

So what was the grand prize for completing all stops? A 6 PM hangover and finding yourself stranded in midtown when all you want to do is take a nap. But hey, it was for a good cause.

The Seinfeld Bus!!

There seems to be something going around. Everyone and their mother has been getting sick lately, although it may be strictly confined to the television news business. That being said, today was no exception... Not one, but two assignment editors took a leave of illness, leaving the coach scrambling to put someone in before the penalty clock ran out. Rather than select somebody qualified, intelligent or half-awake, they settled for this guy...

Oh yeah, everything's under "control".

So the day was spent as any other is on the assignment desk: snacking on whatever food/candy is left in the "free for all" area, entertaining myself with the misery of others via police scanners, and shouting out a snappy one-liner to the newsroom whenever the chance arose. Indeed, I had picked up the trade with ease.

Just one problem... time ticks by slowly when you're confined to the same chair for the duration of the shift. After a few hours, people get sick of your one-liners, the freebie food dries up, and photogs get surly about chasing scanner traffic. Yes, things were slowing down, and there was still a hand full of hours to go before I could punch out.

Then, I noticed something was partaking. I glanced from my 10-inch portal into a "Situation Room" to find that there was a minor hubbub spreading across the stress-laden crew of the newsroom. People started getting up and moving around... something was going on! Was there breaking news? Did the show's server crash again? I'm the assignment editor, I should know!

I grabbed a small newsie as he scuttled by and shook him by his lapels, screaming "You there, what's all the ruckus!" to which he replied, in a hilarious English accent, "Why sir, the Seinfeld Bus is here, it is!"

I threw him aside, stood up, and dashed for the back door, declaring "I'm on my lunch break". Bursting through, I shoved aside a lowly teleprompter operator to behold this glorious sight:

Indeed, the legends my grandfather had told me were true... a bus full of Seinfeld artifacts was touring the country under cover of night. Now, the massive museum-on-wheels was crammed into the back parking lot of our station! Oh, I was thrilled.

It was all here... George's Creepy Mom Doll!

The Bro (Manzier)!

Even the ever-popular Puffy Shirt (a photog favorite)!


I never imagined a bus could hold so much greatness (aside from the Straight Talk Express). Fusilli Jerry, The Pez Dispenser, The Lether Jacket With The Pink Striped Liner... it was all here, confined to one convenient bus!

So let this be a lesson to anyone that tells you dreams can't come true. If they don't believe in miracles, feel free to send them my way, for I shall tell them a tale...

The remainder of the evening was slow and uneventful.

GNR: Oh, Really?

Kids these days may not remember, but back when I was a young man, we had real rock n' roll bands, not just a bunch of punk skater kids like today. Ya ever hear of a group called Guns N' Roses? Well guess what... They're Back! Well, sorta.

GNR was one of those bands that rarely comes along and is the right band for its time and place. I remember some friends of mine lip-syncing "Paradise City" in the third grade talent show. In the fifth grade, my pal Ted from up the street got a cassette of "Use Your Illusion II," and I remember staring at the cover trying to understand what exactly my illusion was, and how I was supposed to utilize it. It was a strange and confusing time for myself and many other prepubescent lads as we were introduced to what would become a lifelong passion: rock n' roll. And what better band to get things rolling with than the mighty GNR.

Unfortunately, before I could really grow to love or understand this music, the group disbanded, leaving me to forever wonder what a Guns N' Roses concert would be like.

But wait! Only a few years later, Axl Rose, famed frontman and douchebag, announced that he was getting the band back together! Well, sorta... Since he legally owned the rights to the band's name, he was keeping the title and restocking the rest of the band's positions. Fortunately, nobody ever listened to GNR for anything but Axl's lyrical talents, so the whole plan was expected to go swimingly.

That's when "Chinese Democracy" was announced. That was over ten years ago. You remember that movie End of Days? The one where Schwarzenegger fights the devil? Not a great movie, but it featured the first single off of Chinese Democracy, titled "Oh My God". I remember downloading it off of this fancy new program called Napster back in 1999. I gotta tell ya... the song kinda sucked. That was almost ten years ago, and despite several "release dates" and a handfull of tours (which all ended early because Axl missed a show or got sick or some other BS that he's known for), it looks like the album might finally see the light of day.

Billboard just published an article claiming that the album will be released next month. After 10+ years of development, there might actually be a new Guns N' Roses album hitting the shelves (although most members are notably absent).

There's been so much hype around this album and so many letdowns over the past decade that this album can't possibly live up to any expectations. Axl was only one cog in the finely greased machine that was GNR. This is basically his solo project, despite the fact that it claims the band's title. Come November 23, the only question that really lingers is... does anybody give a damn about Axl anymore? (Here's a hint: No.)

But I'll probably still buy it... assuming that it actually comes out this time.

Reporter Eats Frog Legs

Hey you... You ever want to see a reporter eat frogs legs, live on the air? C'mere, I'll show ya.

In case you're wondering, she said they didn't taste all that great. There's a surprise.

Don't say I never gave ya anything.

High Rollin'

You're probably well aware at this point, but the economy has seen better days, Congress is an embarrassment, and an "awe shucks" hockey mom could be the next president. Yes, times are looking bleak. After the 2004 election, I went around proclaiming to my drunken college chums that John Kerry should run again in 2008 on the "I Told You So" platform. I got many-a-laugh, but few realized how right I would be. Maybe now people will listen to my drunken proclamations more often.

If only there was a way for us commoners to alleviate the pain and frustration that comes with today's economic woes.

Wait, I know... Segway Polo!!

That's right! Can't afford a horse? Got no room for a pool? Well the gentleman's game of polo is no longer restricted to the ultra-elite! All you need is a Segway, a stick and a ball, and you're ready to rock!

So what is there to it? Ya speed around on these little contraptions and hit a ball into a net! It couldn't be simpler! Hell, even your run-of-the-mill photog could figure that out!

So forget about the tanking stock market! Ignore that pesky election and that war that probably isn't even going on anymore. It's time to start enjoying life again! So head to your garage, grab a foam ball, some mallets and 8 or 9 Segways, and head down to your local park and/or gymnasium, and remind yourself that things really ain't all that bad!

Wait... how much does that little thing cost?!

Well I guess that explains the bumper sticker...

An Evening with Lew

The country is in a troubled place these days. If you can still hear the political bickering over the crashing of the economy, you'd notice that candidates are getting desperate, gas prices ain't going down, and that lipstick on a barnyard animal may or may not change the fact that it is a barnyard animal. A lot of Americans are angry with the state of the country, but none quite as much as Lewis Black.

Lew wandered onto a dark stage at the UC Davis campus tonight, with a laundry list of complaints and a sold-out Mondavi Center crowd to complain to.

If you're familiar with his work, which is often showcased on The Daily Show and various other Comedy Central programs, then you know what to expect: finger pointing, shouting and getting so worked up with frustration that he can't finish his sentence. For an hour and a half or so, he vented those frustrations on a choir of liberal Californians ranging in age from early teens to approaching-a-century, and boy did they like the abuse.

As he strolled out to greet the adoring crowd in his "it's laundry day" attire, he was met by a heckler from the moment the applause died down. Mind you, this is not a small club, but a sizable theater, and some smart-ass decided to shout out, before he even started his set, "Did you go on a diet?" He met the inquisitive douchebag head-on, replying that he had not gone on a diet. Rather, TV tends to add 15 pounds and at his age he sees no reason to curb his appetite. He continued from there, explaining that this was not how the show was planned, but since the audience seems to have something else in mind, we might as well go with a quick Q & A and he'll say goodnight.

Asking if anyone else had pressing questions, one girl shouted out "You're hot!", to which a fellow audience member asked angrily to "Shut up", as he clearly wanted the set to begin. Lew pounced on this as well, calling out the "shut up" guy for denouncing someone calling him attractive. The first ten minutes or so ended up being an impromptu back-and-fourth with those who thought they'd be funny by interrupting. Like a true professional, he worked it into a hilarious bit that started the night off on a side-splitting note.

As the night went on, he railed on McCain. He railed on Obama. Palin is an idiot, governmental economists are morons, and the thought of anyone who voted for Bush twice caused him to shake his head rapidly and stop his rant out of frustration. It was a great performance, where he delivered up-to-the-minute political ridicule, and left the audience laughing hysterically at their own grim situations. After a lackluster opening act, I had begun to doubt whether or not I was in the mood to laugh that night. From the moment he hit the stage, any doubt faded. This is one seriously funny dude.

Before tonight, I'd never seen a stand-up comedian live before. The closest thing I'd seen to one was last year's 3+ hour encounter with Henry Rollins, which wasn't really stand-up, even if it often proved to be hilarious. Stand-up is a difficult profession, and is absolutly painful to watch if someone sucks at it (which most people seem to in their early years, including Black (as was chronicled in his book)), so it's always impressive to see a pro in action. This guy knows what's funny, and he knows how to make an audience laugh. I'll have to check out some more of this stand-up business another time. Until then, I think I've been satisfied.

Rockin With the Pilots

After a five year hiatus, STP is back. With 40 million albums sold worldwide and countless chart toppers that still receive regular airplay on the radio, it was only a matter of time before these California rockers reunited and hit the road. I was excited to hear they were back, although I had my doubts as to whether they'd ever make it out here before their infamous frontman Scott Weiland found himself back in jail and/or rehab.

To my surprise, he and the band did indeed make it out to Sacramento last night, where they rocked the Memorial Auditorium.

Can they still rock? You bet. Despite a surprisingly undersold venue, they hit the stage and cranked out many of their classics, as Weiland strutted around the stage like a Mick Jagger in training. They've definitely got some of the catchier tunes to come out of the 90's rock scene, and it's tough to argue with hearing them live.

However, while it was a good show, I will say that I've seen better. The band sounded great, but at times it seemed like they were just going through the motions rather than really getting into it. With a song catalog filled with rockin classics, you'd think that a reunion tour would be a live performance of a greatest hits album. Several of their best songs were left out of the set, including Interstate Love Song and the Grammy-winning Plush. In their places were a few slow jams that never really went anywhere and kinda killed the mood. A one song encore of Dead and Bloated was offered, but really only as a courtesy gesture. I was a little surprised when it came to an end, because there were still songs that needed to be played and plenty of time to play them. Good show, good performance, but not great.

But perhaps the reason for this was the audience of Sacramento folk. Everyone was surprisingly tame for an open-floor rock concert. Not all that long ago, these guys were selling out stadiums around the world. While other performances on this tour were sold out, this one left plenty of elbow room. Plus not too many people were singing along, not too many people were dancing or banging their heads. They were just kinda standing around, as if they were watching a political speech. I was able to walk right up to the front with ease only moments before they hit the stage, and actually had two people get mad at me because they didn't want me standing in front of them. C'mon people! That's Scott Weiland standing ten feet away from you! Do you realize how amazing it is that he didn't do something stupid and get arrested on the ride over here? Do you even know who these guys are?

I'm not a die-hard fan of these guys, but I certainly like their work. I couldn't believe the tameness of the audience. Where I come from, if you're that close to the stage, you're probably going to get smashed around and kicked in the head a few times by crowd surfers. Here, if you bumped into the person in front of you, they'd turn around and shoot you a glare. Now, I have no need to find myself in a mosh pit at my old age, and I certainly appreciate being able to watch the show from so close without getting pummeled, but it didn't seem like anybody in the audience really wanted to be there. This is the second concert that I've been to in Sacramento, and both were surprisingly tame. I can't say that I'd blame the band if they chose to forgo an additional encore, because these people probably didn't deserve one.

At the end of the night, I enjoyed myself, but certainly left feeling like I should have had more coming to me. Still, I'm glad I caught these guys, and I'd be willing to give them another chance in a better city. I'm glad to see they're back, whether or not anyone else around here gives a damn.