The F*ck You Burger

Fast food is never anyone's first choice for a meal. You know that, and they know that. But when in a hurry, or when too cheap to dine elsewhere, fast food is there for you. They won't judge your quadruple Whopper or your chocolate shake that has 3 days worth of calories. No, they are there to provide a service, generally with a smile. But not always...

Francisco had a simple request. Grabbing a late night snack after picking up his mother, he asked that their Whopper be cut in half so that they could share. Reasonable, especially given the "Have it Your Way" mantra that BK has promoted throughout the years. But what he got wasn't quite what he ordered.

"A f*ck you burger. They gave me a f*ck you burger, and ok whatever."

Didn't see that one on the menu? Neither did Francisco, so either it's one of those secret menu items like at In & Out, or someone is being a prick. The burger itself seemed normal, but it was the receipt that appeared to be slightly off...

Do you see the part that doesn't look right? Look closely, for you may have missed it at first glance.

The man just wanted to share a burger with his mother. Apparently that's frowned upon at Burger King these days, or at least by some guy named Armand.

So next time be sure to check your receipt, there might just be a lead story hiding on it. And you may want to consider cutting your burger in half yourself.

Energy on Demand, Round 2

Caffeine is an essential ingredient to any successful television program. Without a cast and crew that is completely wired and strung out, many of your favorite shows would never make air. As a result, I myself have become a bit of a caffeine fiend, and will take it in most any form that it comes. However, I have found energy drinks to be much more effective in combatting sleep and restyness, a condition that is rapidly spreading in today's over-saturated news environment.

A few years back, I realized that the energy drink market was rapidly expanding, often in new and hilarious ways. You aren't just buying a jolt of caffeine... you're investing in an image. While many of the drinks back then were amusing, I have found that they hardly compare to what is on the market these days. Better put a saddle on that funny horse, because this is gonna be a laugh rodeo!

X-Treme Drink #1: Molontov Mango con Tapatio

Have you ever been eating a mango and found yourself saying, "Man, this would go great with some hot sauce"? Then you got some hot sauce and said, "Man, this would taste great in an energy drink!" I know, who hasn't. Well the geniuses at Molontov decided to cash in on this brilliant conception, and the results are.... well, probably what you'd expect. Horrid.

At first it's not too bad... hey, who doesn't like mango! But as you swallow it, there is an odd burning that coats your throat and just kinda gets stuck there. After three sips, I had to toss it because I didn't think it would stay down. Seriously, this stuff is rough, and takes the honor of being the only energy drink I have been unable to finish. Brutal.

Plus I've got a feeling that you could actually stuff a rag into the top of it and use it as a molontov cocktail.

X-Treme Drink #2: Hyphy Energy

If you have never gotten hyphy, then you, my friend, have not truly lived. Clearly you aren't a mid-90's East Bay rapper (you almost had me fooled). A word credited to classical musicians Keak Da Sneak and Mac Dre, "Getting Hyphy" seems to have two main elements to it (from what I can tell): You tug on your collar while you dance, and you ghost ride your whip. All that gettin' hyphy is gonna take a lot of energy... fortunately this comes equipped with "a power packed fusion of grape and apple," or as they call it, Grapple!

Can you imagine trying to look like a ruff guy in the hood without a 10 oz. can of Grapple? Forget it. That ain't hyphy. That ain't even gangsta. Speaking of which, that leads us to our next entry...

X-Treme Drink #3: 2pac Hunid Racks

When a dead guy puts out an energy drink, you know it's gotta be strong. Perhaps this explains how 2pac has been able to keep putting out records despite the notable handicap of being deceased. "Respect the Name. Respect the Game. Respect the Drink." Let me aks you, would you mess with an energy drink like that? Didn't think so. Because this is an energy drink "for the real hustlers":

Now if that isn't ridiculous, I don't know what is. Oh wait, yes I do. It's...

X-Treme Drink #4: Extenze Male Enhancement Energy

Feeling tired? Got a small wang? Well look no further! Extenze Energy combines a delicious caffinated drink with a unique "male enhancement" formula that promises to... well... deliver "a big johnson every time":

I don't think I can say anything more about this product. Just pointing out the fact that it exists should be sufficient.

So get out there and start consuming your caffeine in these new and exciting ways! Today's energy drink offers something coffee never can: comedy.

GIANTS!!

The San Francisco Giants are the world champs!!!

Now, I'm quick to admit that I've never been a hardcore baseball fan, as many others claim to be. But I grew up in the Bay Area, and have always considered myself a fan of the Giants (although the A's are a little closer to my heart). I throw out this disclamer because there have been a lot of people hopping onto the Giants bandwagon in the past month or so, and I just want to make clear that I am not one of them. I'm no die-hard fan, but me and Los Gigantes do have a bit of a history.

After all, I did make it out to a handful of games this year, including one with some fellow newsies, and one that was part of a wedding (and just happened to be the game that they were declared NL West champs).

While I wasn't fortunate enough to get in on the World Series coverage for the news (AKA got shafted), I was pleased to be entertained by an exciting collection of games that ended much better than their last attempt. Woo!

And, to top it off, we were lucky enough to get a visit by Timmy "The Freak" Lincecum! He took time out of his busy pitchin' & smokin' schedule to celebrate with the newsroom. What a guy!

You might be surprised to learn that he is much smaller in person than you'd think.

GIANTS!!

If It Speeds, It Leads!!

Everybody knows that TV shows aren't real, and that's fine because reality is usually boring as hell. But it's always fun to catch a show that is so far off base that you're rolling on the floor laughing. NBC's Mercy (RIP) was notorious for this, or so I've been told by medical professionals. But their super-exciting version of reality included an appearance by the local media recently, and it is glorious. Please, behold:

The problems with all this are numerable and fun to list off, so I'll leave it to you to compile them. You'd think someone on the set (the actress was a real reporter) would say, "uh... this doesn't make sense," but I guess they wouldn't want to ruin the fun.

Just glorious.

Alfonzo meets Aykroid... Vodka Ensues

If famed beta tape Alfonzo likes two things, it's mingling with well-to-do's and vodka (not necessarily in that order).

Today, Sacramento offered the perfect storm for ol' Alfie. For you see, Dan Aykroid, star of such classics as Caddyshack 2, My Girl and Tommy Boy, was dropping by a local BevMo to promote his Crystal HeadVodka.


Dan and Alfonzo sat down for a brief chat about the finer things in life, such as vodka and Ghostbusters 3.


Overall, it was an interesting experience. It seemed as if he was really hopped up of caffeine... he showed up half an hour early, got the crowd riled up, walked right past the local media waiting to chat with him, and started signing bottles of his premium vodka. I had a chance to throw out two questions- one was the gimme question about his vodka, which he went into in detail without really looking up from his signing, and the other was about Ghostbusters 3, which was summed up with, "I'm its biggest cheerleader, and that's all I'll say."


While he was brief with me, he certainly didn't come off as an asshole, which is what everyone in the newsroom assumed when I returned without much in the way of an exclusive. He seemed like he really wanted to get people filing through because it was hot outside (over 100... in September?!) and he seemed excited to meet the fans. Each was shuffled through hastily (again, it seemed like he drank a shit-ton of caffeine before the event), but he was very polite. He invited kids to come behind the table to take a picture with him, he thanked people for waiting so long in line, he even called one guy back over because he forgot to shake his hand. Hey, I can appreciate that.

He was even willing to scribble his old "Herbie Hancock" (Tommy Boy, anybody?) on Alfonzo, to which he said, "Ha! It's an old beta tape". He seemed more amused by the fact that it was a beta tape than the fact that it had a mustache... but hey, the man knows comedy, so perhaps I'm the one that's wrong.

Nice guy, although I had a little more fun conversing with Ernie Hudson a few months back, who actually stepped outside to chat for a good 10 minutes with me and didn't seem creeped out by me telling him I used to play with his action figure as a toddler.

Still, this means Alfonzo has canoodled with "nearly 75%" (anybody catch that Ghostbusters reference?) of the Ghostbusters. And, by my count, that ain't bad. Harold Ramis... you're next.

Lord of the Flats

Today started off normal, not unlike any other. The assignment: Modesto. A fair 90 minute drive from home base. No biggie.

As the reporter sidekick and I are crusing along Highway 99, discussing how all our problems would be solved if we could write just one hit song that made its way into every movie for a year or two (Smash Mouth's All Star was the prime example, although Yello's Oh Yeah wasn't without an honorable mention), we suddenly heard a hiss. Then Ol' Trusty (the sattelite truck) started gettin' a bit wobbely. We pulled off the freeway to discover we'd dun got ourselves a flat.

"No worries," I declared as I phoned our tow truck pals (they hear from us regularly). With help on the way, we sat back and prepared to enjoy the unintended break from work. Unfortunately, the tire decided to blow in the middle of nowhere rather than at the Hooters we passed a few miles back. Damn.

Oh well, might as well kick back and relax. I mean, it's not like we were stranded out in the desert, right?

The following is a journal discovered in the back of the live truck the following day:

Minute 10: It has occurred to us that it is an unseasonably warm day in September, even for the Central Valley. It's triple-digit heat, and we're starting to feel it. Hoo-wee...

Minute 15: I notice that my water bottle is only half full. I joke to Reporter Ben that we will need to start rationing it. He laughs... but it doesn't sound like a completely honest laugh. Huh.

Minute 17: Ben asks if I'm gonna eat the bagel that he spots in my backpack. I tell him I'm saving it for later, and he looks as if he's thinking something through in his mind. I shrug it off, but I'm starting to wonder about him.

Minute 28: I start to doze off in the back of the truck, when Ben suddenly grabs my arm and bites me. I scream at him, but he insists it was an accident. As he says this, I see a look in his eyes... a look that couldn't possibly be human. I could only pray that the tow truck arrives soon, before things started getting out of hand.

Minute 37: I notice that Ben has wandered off into the distance... and he appears to be talking to somebody. Could he be losing his mind? Or could he be allying himself with a race of invisible natives? Hmm... I will have to remain vigilant.

Minute 42: It has become apparent that Ben's new colony is planning to steal my bagel the moment I fall asleep. So as long as I remain awake, I my bagel should be safe. But how long can I go without sleep?

Minute 50: The attack came as I pretended to nap in the truck. He and his minions were no match for my army of mustached beta tapes that I had amassed while he was away. His nose is bleeding and it appears as if he may start crying. Serves him right.

Minute 55: It is clear that Ben has lost his sanity, something that could never possibly happen to me. His invisible minions mock me as I consume the last bit of the water rations. I decide that something must be done...

Minute 65: It was a glorious battle. Both our armies lie dead across the battlefield. All that is left is him and me. As we choke each other, screaming to our made-up gods to strike the other down.... the tow truck arrives. Oh, sweet salvation!!

Minute 72: The truck is loaded and on it's way to Big-O. Ben and I agree never to mention this day to anyone. We go on with our lives as if nothing had happened.

Minute 170: We were live in the 5:30 newscast. Just another day in the life of a couple of Newsies.

The End..... ?

Ready for Some Ultimate Football!!

NFL is over-rated. College football has been done. XFL is dead. So what does that leave one to do with all this free time? Why, turn to the UFL... the Ultimate Football League!! Well, I guess the "U" stands for United, which isn't nearly as sweet, but I guess it could stand for more than one thing.

And look at this... Sacramento's got their own team! The Mountain Lions kicked off their season a few weeks back (to a surprisingly large crowd), providing a happy medium for those who crave football but for some reason don't care for NCAA.

Fronting the pack is former NFL guy Dante Culpepper, reunited with coach Dennis Green. Nice to have some recognizable names leading the charge!

But that's not all. Get this... Denzel Washington's kid, John David Washington, is a running back on the team, and Big-D says he's gonna be at all his home games. That oughta help draw the crowds!

I don't know why the UFL plays the same day as college ball, as I find myself not really wanting to go because I'd be missing other games on TV. With only a hand full of teams, you'd think they'd try to corner the Friday night market (yeah yeah, high school) or maybe play in the off season? I'm sure there are good answers to these that I am unaware of, but I'm just saying that's why I haven't gone yet.

But I certainly might. I mean... Denzel!