The Abominable Redneck

Ask any photog... you've got your good days at the office, and then you've got your snow days. That's when you get the dreaded "come in early... and bring your long underwear" phone call. Ask around... every photog in The Biz hates these days (except for perhaps a few wannabe reporter divas).

Me? I hate 'em, and I've been complaining about it for years. But when it comes down to it, it's (literally) your job, so you just gotta suck it up and brace for a 12 hour day of cutting your hands on snow chains, sliding into embankments and losing feeling in your smaller fingers.

Today was no exception, as we headed over the mountain for the annual snow survey at Lake Tahoe. This was one of those special snow stories, where you had to use snow shoes just to get to the action. I tried to make the best of it by convincing myself that usually people have to pay to go snow shoeing... but I would have much rather spent the day doing something cooler. Oh well.

So this is how you play the game: You get out. You shoot what you need. You get back in the truck. You think happy thoughts. You repeat. Not quite what I had pictured when I was a young buck in Journalism school, but I guess I'm stuck now.

So, back to the story... snow survey is shot, ski resort folks are interviewed, package is done. Everybody's happy. Day turns to night, snow continues to pound the live truck, and I wish that time could fly faster so that I didn't have to dig out the truck after our live shot. Ah yes, livin' the dream.

But to be fair, everything had gone smoothly. Our satellite shot was established, our story was edited, and we were ready to go live! I threw up a light, so that the good folks at home could see the snow, and the show began.

So the show started with the weather gal talking about the crazy storm (and how you shouldn't go out in it... always my favorite part), and then it was coming to our story. But somebody started shouting behind me, which was odd because we were on the side of a freeway in the middle of nowhere. He was not only shouting, but violently cussing. This wasn't good, as we were moments away from our live hit.

I turn to find a grizzled man in a cowboy hat, mad as all hell that our light is spilling into his yard and lighting up one of his trees. I try to quickly explain that we are about to go live and will be done within minutes... but he's having none of it. He has to get up at midnight for work (it is 5:30 PM), and if we don't turn off that light, there's gonna be problems (an abundance of expletives were removed, for our younger readers sake). I reiterated that we'd be done in moments and to just hang on, thinking we were going to be live any second. He stormed off, allowing me to grab only a brief silhouette of the beast:

So just as they come to our story, I hear the director in my ear squawking: "We lost your shot! We lost your shot!" In a panic, I run back to the truck, only to discover that our new friend had been pulling at cables, until he finally found the one connected to the light. "If you plug that motherf'ing cable back in, it's gonna be the last thing you do, you sorry piece of s___." Now, there comes a time in every journalist's life when he (or she) has to ask him (or her) self what he (she) is willing to do for his (her) job (it is exhausting being politically correct). Perhaps some are willing to take a bowie knife to the abdomen, but I decided it was time to cut my losses, especially since our story was already running without our live shot. It was a wasted evening, but at least I didn't end up in some backwoods hick's stew.

Just when you think you've seen it all... Two days later, I returned to the snow (grobble grobble) and realized that, despite it being another awful 12-hour day, at least I didn't have to deal with the Abominable Redneck, and that makes for an ok shift.

Oh, and I later found out that another crew had to deal with this guy last year, and that time he came out screaming without a shirt on. Guess I should consider myself lucky?

The End is Nigh!

This past weekend, I was wandering around at a local flea market. Amidst the piles of sneakers and miscelanious electronics, an RV caught my eye. But not just any RV. An RV... of Doom!

Surrounding this RV were minions armed with pamphlets (mightier than the sword), kindly informing people that they shouldn't bother making plans for 2012, because it ain't happening. Good thing they're telling me now, I got a lotta stuff I wanna cram in before the world ends!

They informed me that the end of the world is right around the corner, and the kick-off party is on May 21 of 2011. (At least it's not on Valentine's Day ("bummer").) According to their literature, which seemed to be legitimate (in that it was legitimately literature), May 21 will be exactally 5000 years since the great flood, and it's 'bout time we had ourselves another Judgement Day! Hope you're not a sinner!

So don't bother with any plans for 2012. Heck, by June I think you're gonna be plenty busy, what with the fire and brimstone and such. This stuff is so much more depressing than that Jehova's Witness literature that I stumbled upon a few years back! But those guys didn't have an RV to back up their claims, so how valid can they be?

I hope, for their sake, that they're right, because that RV is gonna look really silly on May 22.

The F*ck You Burger

Fast food is never anyone's first choice for a meal. You know that, and they know that. But when in a hurry, or when too cheap to dine elsewhere, fast food is there for you. They won't judge your quadruple Whopper or your chocolate shake that has 3 days worth of calories. No, they are there to provide a service, generally with a smile. But not always...

Francisco had a simple request. Grabbing a late night snack after picking up his mother, he asked that their Whopper be cut in half so that they could share. Reasonable, especially given the "Have it Your Way" mantra that BK has promoted throughout the years. But what he got wasn't quite what he ordered.

"A f*ck you burger. They gave me a f*ck you burger, and ok whatever."

Didn't see that one on the menu? Neither did Francisco, so either it's one of those secret menu items like at In & Out, or someone is being a prick. The burger itself seemed normal, but it was the receipt that appeared to be slightly off...

Do you see the part that doesn't look right? Look closely, for you may have missed it at first glance.

The man just wanted to share a burger with his mother. Apparently that's frowned upon at Burger King these days, or at least by some guy named Armand.

So next time be sure to check your receipt, there might just be a lead story hiding on it. And you may want to consider cutting your burger in half yourself.

Energy on Demand, Round 2

Caffeine is an essential ingredient to any successful television program. Without a cast and crew that is completely wired and strung out, many of your favorite shows would never make air. As a result, I myself have become a bit of a caffeine fiend, and will take it in most any form that it comes. However, I have found energy drinks to be much more effective in combatting sleep and restyness, a condition that is rapidly spreading in today's over-saturated news environment.

A few years back, I realized that the energy drink market was rapidly expanding, often in new and hilarious ways. You aren't just buying a jolt of caffeine... you're investing in an image. While many of the drinks back then were amusing, I have found that they hardly compare to what is on the market these days. Better put a saddle on that funny horse, because this is gonna be a laugh rodeo!

X-Treme Drink #1: Molontov Mango con Tapatio

Have you ever been eating a mango and found yourself saying, "Man, this would go great with some hot sauce"? Then you got some hot sauce and said, "Man, this would taste great in an energy drink!" I know, who hasn't. Well the geniuses at Molontov decided to cash in on this brilliant conception, and the results are.... well, probably what you'd expect. Horrid.

At first it's not too bad... hey, who doesn't like mango! But as you swallow it, there is an odd burning that coats your throat and just kinda gets stuck there. After three sips, I had to toss it because I didn't think it would stay down. Seriously, this stuff is rough, and takes the honor of being the only energy drink I have been unable to finish. Brutal.

Plus I've got a feeling that you could actually stuff a rag into the top of it and use it as a molontov cocktail.

X-Treme Drink #2: Hyphy Energy

If you have never gotten hyphy, then you, my friend, have not truly lived. Clearly you aren't a mid-90's East Bay rapper (you almost had me fooled). A word credited to classical musicians Keak Da Sneak and Mac Dre, "Getting Hyphy" seems to have two main elements to it (from what I can tell): You tug on your collar while you dance, and you ghost ride your whip. All that gettin' hyphy is gonna take a lot of energy... fortunately this comes equipped with "a power packed fusion of grape and apple," or as they call it, Grapple!

Can you imagine trying to look like a ruff guy in the hood without a 10 oz. can of Grapple? Forget it. That ain't hyphy. That ain't even gangsta. Speaking of which, that leads us to our next entry...

X-Treme Drink #3: 2pac Hunid Racks

When a dead guy puts out an energy drink, you know it's gotta be strong. Perhaps this explains how 2pac has been able to keep putting out records despite the notable handicap of being deceased. "Respect the Name. Respect the Game. Respect the Drink." Let me aks you, would you mess with an energy drink like that? Didn't think so. Because this is an energy drink "for the real hustlers":

Now if that isn't ridiculous, I don't know what is. Oh wait, yes I do. It's...

X-Treme Drink #4: Extenze Male Enhancement Energy

Feeling tired? Got a small wang? Well look no further! Extenze Energy combines a delicious caffinated drink with a unique "male enhancement" formula that promises to... well... deliver "a big johnson every time":

I don't think I can say anything more about this product. Just pointing out the fact that it exists should be sufficient.

So get out there and start consuming your caffeine in these new and exciting ways! Today's energy drink offers something coffee never can: comedy.

GIANTS!!

The San Francisco Giants are the world champs!!!

Now, I'm quick to admit that I've never been a hardcore baseball fan, as many others claim to be. But I grew up in the Bay Area, and have always considered myself a fan of the Giants (although the A's are a little closer to my heart). I throw out this disclamer because there have been a lot of people hopping onto the Giants bandwagon in the past month or so, and I just want to make clear that I am not one of them. I'm no die-hard fan, but me and Los Gigantes do have a bit of a history.

After all, I did make it out to a handful of games this year, including one with some fellow newsies, and one that was part of a wedding (and just happened to be the game that they were declared NL West champs).

While I wasn't fortunate enough to get in on the World Series coverage for the news (AKA got shafted), I was pleased to be entertained by an exciting collection of games that ended much better than their last attempt. Woo!

And, to top it off, we were lucky enough to get a visit by Timmy "The Freak" Lincecum! He took time out of his busy pitchin' & smokin' schedule to celebrate with the newsroom. What a guy!

You might be surprised to learn that he is much smaller in person than you'd think.

GIANTS!!

If It Speeds, It Leads!!

Everybody knows that TV shows aren't real, and that's fine because reality is usually boring as hell. But it's always fun to catch a show that is so far off base that you're rolling on the floor laughing. NBC's Mercy (RIP) was notorious for this, or so I've been told by medical professionals. But their super-exciting version of reality included an appearance by the local media recently, and it is glorious. Please, behold:

The problems with all this are numerable and fun to list off, so I'll leave it to you to compile them. You'd think someone on the set (the actress was a real reporter) would say, "uh... this doesn't make sense," but I guess they wouldn't want to ruin the fun.

Just glorious.

Alfonzo meets Aykroid... Vodka Ensues

If famed beta tape Alfonzo likes two things, it's mingling with well-to-do's and vodka (not necessarily in that order).

Today, Sacramento offered the perfect storm for ol' Alfie. For you see, Dan Aykroid, star of such classics as Caddyshack 2, My Girl and Tommy Boy, was dropping by a local BevMo to promote his Crystal HeadVodka.


Dan and Alfonzo sat down for a brief chat about the finer things in life, such as vodka and Ghostbusters 3.


Overall, it was an interesting experience. It seemed as if he was really hopped up of caffeine... he showed up half an hour early, got the crowd riled up, walked right past the local media waiting to chat with him, and started signing bottles of his premium vodka. I had a chance to throw out two questions- one was the gimme question about his vodka, which he went into in detail without really looking up from his signing, and the other was about Ghostbusters 3, which was summed up with, "I'm its biggest cheerleader, and that's all I'll say."


While he was brief with me, he certainly didn't come off as an asshole, which is what everyone in the newsroom assumed when I returned without much in the way of an exclusive. He seemed like he really wanted to get people filing through because it was hot outside (over 100... in September?!) and he seemed excited to meet the fans. Each was shuffled through hastily (again, it seemed like he drank a shit-ton of caffeine before the event), but he was very polite. He invited kids to come behind the table to take a picture with him, he thanked people for waiting so long in line, he even called one guy back over because he forgot to shake his hand. Hey, I can appreciate that.

He was even willing to scribble his old "Herbie Hancock" (Tommy Boy, anybody?) on Alfonzo, to which he said, "Ha! It's an old beta tape". He seemed more amused by the fact that it was a beta tape than the fact that it had a mustache... but hey, the man knows comedy, so perhaps I'm the one that's wrong.

Nice guy, although I had a little more fun conversing with Ernie Hudson a few months back, who actually stepped outside to chat for a good 10 minutes with me and didn't seem creeped out by me telling him I used to play with his action figure as a toddler.

Still, this means Alfonzo has canoodled with "nearly 75%" (anybody catch that Ghostbusters reference?) of the Ghostbusters. And, by my count, that ain't bad. Harold Ramis... you're next.